Bipolar Kicks My Ass

When I met with my psychiatrist yesterday, we discussed my diagnosis. I learned that since I’ve been hospitalized for bipolar symptoms, my diagnosis is type 1, not type 2.

Since I’ve been ramping since July third, we agreed it was time to add low dose quetiapine (Seroquel), a sedating and mood stabilizing antipsychotic, to my medication mix. The medication enabled me to get a good night’s sleep last night, but it wiped me out today. Though I managed to take my son to two doctors’ appointments, I had to nap between the two.

Internalized Stigma

Desperately wanting to think of myself as “high functioning” (a judgmental and stigmatizing concept), I’ve held onto the belief that I have bipolar type 2, rather than type 1.

Bipolar type 1 symptoms I’ve experienced include psychotic mania, rapid cycling, mixed episodes, two weeks psychiatric hospitalization, and months of partial psychiatric hospitalization.

The truth is, I struggle with hypomania whenever stressed or
overstimulated, then I cycle low as I must “recuperate” from the hypomania. I find simple tasks, like grocery shopping, difficult. I wish I could be the social butterfly I was many years ago, but today it comes at a steep cost — my mental health and stability.

Triggers Now

Next week I’m going to my uncle’s funeral and memorial in Illinois. I met him only once, last year at my father’s memorial. My aunt, who’s my godmother, met him later in life. I’ll be seeing my extended family under tragic circumstances.

Social gatherings trigger me. Stress triggers me. Grief, as it echoes the loss of my father, triggers me. The trip will be difficult, but I look forward to seeing my family, even as we grieve.

I’m almost 56. At this age, I’m losing my parents, aunts, and uncles. I expect more losses to come.

Prayers welcome for my aunt’s loss of her beloved husband and soul mate.

Balancing Act Book Launch Street Team

Balancing Act Street Team. Stay tuned for updates & book cover reveal.

July 3rd I submitted the manuscript for my book, Balancing Act: Writing Through a Bipolar Life, to my publisher Eliezer Tristan Publishing. We just nailed down a publication date of September 19th, a month after my 56th birthday.

The Balancing Act book launch street team has its own Facebook group: Balancing Act Street Team. Check it out and join the fun HERE.

If you are interested in reading a PDF of my unformatted, unpublished manuscript (in the publishing biz, an ARC or Advanced Reader Copy) to post reviews on GoodReads.com and BarnesandNoble.com, please sign up here:


Hypomania is Here Now

My excitement has triggered anxiety and hypomania. Somehow, I must balance my excitement about the upcoming publication of Balancing Act with my need for self-care.

Take a deep breath and stretch, Kitt.

Wish me well and thanks for your support!

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Yes, I’ve Been Violent

Who, me, violent? Why, yes, on a few occasions.

My Mental Illness and Violence

Hi, I’m Kitt.

I’m bipolar, and I’ve been violent.

Mildly so, for the most part.

Flipped over a table once.

Been known to slap in response to being called a f*cking b*tch. Don’t do that anymore, but fair warning: don’t call me a f*cking b*tch. My slap is powerful, as I played tennis in my younger years.

Never killed anyone, but when in my mid-20s, I fantasized doing so when dealing with childhood issues in therapy (alcoholism & emotional abuse).

Pretty disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses post-partum, too. But I didn’t act on those either.

Mostly I try to help people. I try to behave. I apologize when I screw up. I try to do better.