Slowing it down, breaking it down into manageable bite-size tasks. Put off job search for now. Became overwhelmed. Feared hypomania, mixed episodes, and eventual hospitalization. Fear job taking over, not being able to set limits, boundaries. My permeable self, the self that enables me to empathize, is too soft. Not able to say No or Later or When I Can Get to It. Not able to delegate. Take on too much. Feel sucked in. And, then I leave, flee, escape. Cocoon myself at home. Hide.
Adolescent client once said my heart is too soft.
For now, I start going to my psychiatrist’s group therapy sessions. Signed up for a writing workshop, afraid of overstimulation; still, not sure what I can do, how much I can do and remain stable. Signed up for Zumba Gold class once a week. Daily take care of husband and son. Dogs looking at me for attention, following me around, sleeping at my feet. In the master bed now, writing, using computer and Google calendar to organize my life.
Written 3/1/14 at 12:41 pm