Dragging My Knuckles

Cropped Cloudy Grey Sky
My Brain and Mood Today ~ Grey and Cloudy with a Chance of Rain

Yesterday saw my nephew off at the airport. Now I’m dragging my knuckles on the ground. Head aches. Fatigued. Basically, I’m drained.

Have group later this afternoon. Psychiatrist’s psychotherapy group members decided to take July off. Not sure how many will actually show up this afternoon. So now I have group therapy on Tuesday afternoon and NAMI Peer-to-Peer hosted by MHA-OC on Wednesday afternoon. Plenty of mental health resources for the week.

The groups will take me away from my son, though, which he does not like. At 14, he’s old enough to be left alone, but he prefers that I’m nearby should he need me (should he need anything). During the school year I would go to a writer’s group on Tuesday after group and another on Thursday morning. But summer throws me off my game. My son perceives me as always being gone should I go to the writer’s groups.

To top things off, this past weekend we visited my parents. My parents enjoyed seeing their two oldest grandsons, but it exhausted my mother who recently completed a round of radiation after completing her latest round of chemotherapy with Rituxan, monoclonal antibody therapy of which she was part of the initial clinical trials many years ago. She has lived with non-Hodgkins lymphoma at varying stages (remission to stage 4) for thirty years. But now her tumor in her thigh is tenacious and visible. The recent treatment has softened the tumor, but it remains, at least for now, threatening. By the way, my son considers both his grand mothers heroes. My mom for battling lymphoma. My husband’s mother for battling MS. They are fighters. They live with chronic illnesses. Doing so is truly heroic.

23 thoughts on “Dragging My Knuckles

  1. wendy August 8, 2014 / 3:15 pm

    The writer’s group was a form of self care and you are missing that.
    So as someone else said, some self care is in order.

    Sounds like there are some amazing women in this young man’s life. Great that he knows some real heroines. Including his mother.


    • Kitt O'Malley August 8, 2014 / 7:48 pm

      Thank you for the compliment. I love that he sees his grandmothers as heroes. Warms my heart. He’s a great kid.

      During the school year when I was isolated most of the day, the writer’s groups were a form of self-care, but this summer I am over-stimulated. I am currently attending two groups: traditional group therapy and NAMI Peer-to-Peer. Two groups are about all the social stimulation I can take without becoming hypomanic. I must titrate my exposure to social stimulation. Thank you for caring and for reminding me to take care of myself.


  2. Grief Happens August 7, 2014 / 7:31 am

    You sound like me. Summer has taken a toll on me and I’m drained. I definitely need some self-care and it feels like there’s no time for all that. Thinking of you and sending good thoughts.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley August 7, 2014 / 11:27 am

      So much easier when they are back in school. Even when they are teens.


  3. philsblog01 August 6, 2014 / 8:03 am

    I love reading your posts for the insights and the changes through time which I like to share sometimes. When I was a 14 year boy in summer, the last people I wanted around were any adults! Of course I loved it when I came home after a reckless day of play and madness and Mom had all the love and affection, and a great hot meal! My best wishes are with you and your family and their challenges.


    • Kitt O'Malley August 6, 2014 / 11:23 am

      So glad you have such warm memories of childhood and of your mother’s love. You were blessed.


      • philsblog01 August 6, 2014 / 11:50 am

        To be honest, my childhood was quite troubled, though not because of my Mom. It was more my Dad who I never got along with until the last few years of his life. I left home at 18. But yes, my Mom, kind of kept the family together for me anyway.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley August 6, 2014 / 6:51 pm

          Healthy to recognize the good along with the bad. Glad that you were able to have a good relationship with your dad before he died. Glad also that your mom gave you the love you deserved.

          Liked by 1 person

  4. Sandy Sue August 6, 2014 / 3:12 am

    For me, exhaustion can be both a trigger and sign that I’m already on my way down. It’s a good thing to have both support groups in place this week. Having never been a mother, I can’t imagine how hard it is to balance self-care with a child’s perceived needs. But your son is old enough now to start understanding that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of him.


  5. dyane August 5, 2014 / 8:03 pm

    Wow, Kitt, I’m so sorry your mother is fighting lymphoma & has been dealing with it for so long. She sounds amazing and tenacious; those two traits sound like they could be applied to her daughter Kitt! I’m doubly glad you spent time with her in light of her health challenges.

    I bet you are tired and I hope you find time to rest and recharge this week.

    I relate to your son wanting you around SO much. My daughter is the same way. As you know, she’s about to go to L.A. with Craig for four days and while she’ll be okay, I’ll have my cell phone at the ready for the barrage of “check-ins” I may be receiving from her. She has excessive anxiety for her age. After having her evaluated by her school’s therapist & given short-term therapy last year (the school therapist was wonderful) I feel she would benefit from additional therapy. ( I think almost everyone would benefit from therapy! 😉

    take care and I wish you a good night’s sleep. I’d love to hear more about how your group went this afternoon, and NAMI training of course, hint hint.


    • Kitt O'Malley August 6, 2014 / 11:16 am

      Will write about NAMI P2P after the class. Thanks for your support, Dyane. I can always count on you. My husband’s best friend from childhood is coming out from Boston at the end of this week, so I have to get the house clean. It exhausts and overwhelms me to entertain. When I was in my twenties, I used to have get togethers all the time. But I lived by myself in small apartments, not with others in a 4-bedroom house that is in varying stages of renovation (partially painted walls). Overwhelming!


      • dyane August 6, 2014 / 12:57 pm

        You are a great wife to welcome your husband’s closest friend into your home! I wonder if it’s “just” him or the rest of his family? I’m not in a state right now to entertain anyone except for sing for Lucy, make that howl! I was like you in my 20’s as well – I threw parties etc. Wish I lived nearby to help you clean. I like cleaning other people’s houses, but not mine! (I truly am pretty bonkers, Kitt. But you know that. 😉 It’s part of my charm!) I am here for you. You are a wonderful friend and I love knowing you are “out there”, although I feel you in my heart. Breathe. Do the self-care habits that help you the most. Hope the class goes really well – looking forward to hearing about it. XO

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley August 6, 2014 / 6:55 pm

          Dyane, you are always near to my heart as well. Strange how that happens. Thank you for your kind words and generous thoughts. This afternoon has been better thanks to NAMI Peer-to-Peer. Got a compliment on my intelligence by a handsome young man (did not hurt that he was young and handsome 🙂 ).


          • dyane August 6, 2014 / 8:12 pm

            Ooh la la! I’d kill for a compliment on my smarts by a good lookin’ young man!! Glad the training went well.

            Liked by 1 person

  6. jennchristie August 5, 2014 / 6:33 pm

    Being drained seems to be a trigger for low mood or depression. Do you find that? I know it’s true for me. Sounds like you’re a hero too 🙂


    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2014 / 7:03 pm

      Thank you so much, Jenn. Yes being drained is a trigger for depression. At least I know that this is just temporary. It feels very physical.


      • jennchristie August 5, 2014 / 7:06 pm

        Hang in there… You’re right it will pass. But right now a little self care perhaps? Do something kind for yourself 🙂 even something simple as lighting a candle.


      • Anonymous August 6, 2014 / 6:25 am

        I agree there is a relationship to physical “fitness” and depression. My wife just started back up with dance classes and I am hoping that it will have long term positive results.


        • Kitt O'Malley August 6, 2014 / 11:22 am

          Yes. I’m starting to log my exercise and diet on myfitnesspal.com to get myself to move more.


  7. Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2014 / 5:59 pm

    Both depression and cancer seem epidemic. But, I think you are relaying a meta-message by hyphenating dis-ease. Right?

    Liked by 1 person

  8. shoe1000 August 5, 2014 / 4:51 pm

    Wow, the dis-ease in our culture is epidemic, dont you think?


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