Amy Gambles piece on Reconciling the Past and Staying in the Present resonated with my experience. I often feel like I have fallen down from up high, and am less of a person than I once was. But I was not a star fixed in the sky; instead, I shot high, quickly achieving goals by working extremely long hours at high intensity, then would come crashing down. Over and over.
These passages Amy Gamble wrote especially hit close to home. Her wisdom to live in the present I am continually learning.
“There are times when I can successfully take a deep breath and bring myself into the present. It also helps me to recognize sometimes I overestimate the “good times” from the past. After all my “before bipolar life” was not perfect either. Then again, when I do look back I realize bipolar disorder was affecting me from the time I was in high school, maybe even sooner…
“Once I was a dreamer and I was really good at setting goals and reaching my dreams. I still hold hope that my dreams will come true, even if those dreams consists of simple everyday living that inspires my soul and not grandiose dreams that go up in smoke after the end of a manic episode. The truth is through the proper treatment I am blessed without having mania and that is surely a plus. Now I focus on reconciling my past and staying in the present without giving too much credence to wishing my life was different.”
Thank you, Amy Gamble of Shedding Light on Mental Illness.
Reconciling the Past
Many spiritual teachers typical focus a great deal on “staying in the present moment.” For those who don’t live with bipolar disorder it’s still a great challenge not to hold on to the past. Because I live with bipolar disorder I feel like it might even be more difficult for me to “let go” of the past.
While I know it’s not healthy to hold on to the past and certainly even less healthy to ruminate about it, I still find it difficult not to get stuck sometimes in a time when life might have been a little easier. I also have those moments when living in the present actually triggers my thoughts and takes me back to a different time and place.
Whether it be with my current job situation or my past career I can’t help but wonder where I would be without this illness…
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