Date Rape is Rape #NOMORE

UC Berkeley Sather Tower - Yale

Twice in one year, her senior year at UC Berkeley, she was raped by men she knew. One was a friend of a couple of her housemates. He wanted her and pursued her relentlessly. She finally aquieced to a date. After dinner at his place, he refused to take her home when she said she wanted to leave. He insisted she stay the night. She did not have taxi fare to leave and go home, so she submitted and stayed the night. The word “submitted” sounded so wrong to her as a feminist, but it is how she felt. The feeling was alien and unnatural for her and caused her great shame. She thought of herself as strong and assertive, not as submissive. The fact was she didn’t feel safe alone on the streets of Oakland. She wasn’t familiar with his neighborhood, and had no idea how to get back to her own neighborhood near the Ashby BART station. Although it wasn’t safe to travel by bus that late at night, it certainly wasn’t safe staying. The whole experience disgusted her. She felt dirty and ashamed. He would continue to call her, persistently hunting her, asking her out again and again. When he came over to visit her housemates, she would go upstairs to her bedroom. She avoided him. Just the thought of him made her physically ill.

The second date raper was her former first love. She loved this young man. They remained friends, kept in touch over the years since they broke up, socialized with each other during winter and summer breaks,  and corresponded regularly their senior years thousands of miles apart. He invited her to his senior prom at the prestigious Ivy League school he attended. She agreed to go with the explicit understanding that she would not be staying with him and that they would not have sex. She made him promise to arrange accommodations to stay with female friends of his. He did not. She arrived late at night. Once they got to his dorm, she asked where she was staying. He hadn’t kept his end of the bargain. Again, she didn’t feel like she had options. They argued the evening of the prom, which they actually did not attend, instead they attending some apparently prestigious party. He flew her out to play the part of smart, beautiful, rich lover. He asked that she not mention that he paid the airfare. She was furious with him. At one point in the evening, she stormed out of the party, furious with him. Outside on the campus grounds, he broke down crying and dared to ask her for help. She shouted at him, not caring that others stared at them: “Are you kidding me? You raped me last night! Yes, you need help, but not from me. Helping you hurts me. So, no, I will not help you. It is not my job to teach you how to feel, how to understand the feelings of others. That is your job. You need help. Get professional help, not my help.”

NO MORE | Together we can end domestic violence & sexual assault

Legal Disclaimer: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

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21 thoughts on “Date Rape is Rape #NOMORE

  1. writerwannabe763 March 9, 2015 / 7:42 am

    Here in Canada just last week on the news, was a terrible fact, that a large number (I forget just now the percentage exactly) have been found to have been date-raped/raped while attending college/university and many of them went to the administration, and they were told that nothing could be done, and that if they reported it to the police nothing could be probably be proved and all that would happen was to hurt the college etc. so most of them just went unpunished and the women remained silent… until now and it has come to light. This definitely needs to come to light… Diane

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley March 9, 2015 / 8:13 am

      Date rape during college years is extremely common. College age students are emotionally immature. Their brains are not yet fully adult. Add to that binge drinking and drug use and you get a recipe for disinhibited harmful behavior. Colleges/universities and law enforecement have to take some responsibility for the culture which allows such behavior to go unpunished.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. cabrogal March 9, 2015 / 5:18 am

    I did some sexual assault casework in my activist days. Most of the rapists were ‘friends’, colleagues, ex-partners of the victims. Just listening to the stories did my head in. All the people living it …

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley March 9, 2015 / 8:09 am

      Incredibly common. Probably has some sort of instinctual basis, but as humans we must rise above base animal behavior.

      Like

  3. partandparcel2014 March 8, 2015 / 12:32 pm

    Thanks for sharing Kitt! Yes healing to those who were victims. For those who did the crime, may their conscience haunt them for life.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. lydiaa1614 March 8, 2015 / 12:14 pm

    It took me about 20 years to realize that I had been date-raped on my grad night. I always thought that I had done something wrong to give him the idea I wanted sex. It was in a group therapy after I was diagnosed with clinical depression (years before the bipolar diagnosis). I told the story and they told me I was date-raped. The worst part is that one of my so-called best friends set it all up. She got me my “date” when I would have been fine going alone, she planted a condom in the box with the charm he got me (actually she bought and wrapped it for him) and she got me drunk at the party where it happened. That was my first sexual experience and set the tone of how I felt for years after. Thank you for bringing this subject to light.

    Like

    • Kitt O'Malley March 8, 2015 / 4:20 pm

      Lydia, that is an absolutely horrifying story. Terrible that “friends” set up friends to be raped. It happens, as we both know, and it is WRONG. How dare anyone conspire to rape someone. That is what those “friends” are guilty of. In California, if you are convicted of conspiracy to commit rape, you face three, six or eight years in the state prison which is the punishment for rape.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley March 8, 2015 / 4:22 pm

      I am so very sorry that rape and the betrayal of a friend who conspired in that rape was your first sexual experience.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lydiaa1614 March 8, 2015 / 4:24 pm

        Thank you. I must say it did put a black mark on it for a long long time.

        Like

          • lydiaa1614 March 8, 2015 / 4:30 pm

            It took a long time but my second husband is the absolute love of my life. He treats me so well and has helped me deal with most of my past. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

  5. dyane March 8, 2015 / 11:41 am

    Date rape is rape = absolutely.

    Thank you for bringing attention to this overlooked issue.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. e March 8, 2015 / 11:08 am

    When helping others hurt you…I salute you for always raising awareness & having the type of vital dialogue that others shy away from Kitt. I pray healing for every survivor male or female who has this story as their own.

    e

    Liked by 4 people

  7. blahpolar March 8, 2015 / 11:07 am

    That is one very brave and wise woman – the final paragraph makes it especially clear.

    Respect.

    Liked by 4 people

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