Fear of Loss

My Son as a Baby. Now He's in High School.

Thursday night I saw my psychologist over the disaster that was Tuesday. First I had her listen to the distraught voice recording I made that night. I told her about my son’s recurring gastroenteritis. He’s suffered from migraines with vomiting since he was a toddler, has gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), and gets gastroenteritis regularly during the winter and spring months.

I talked about how the illness and death of Melissa Nemeth brought forth defended feelings of grief over the loss of my brother-in-law to lung cancer. My psychologist asked me if I’m afraid of losing my son. I responded I don’t think so. Then I described how Melissa’s small intestines had to be removed, and she died waiting for a small intestine transplant from UCLA. At that point, I broke down sobbing, “Oh, my God!” Yes, that was exactly what I was afraid of. My son is still sick. After all these years. After seeing so many doctors. Still sick. Still vomiting far too much for any boy. Still in pain with debilitating migraines in spite of medication. Melissa’s death realized my worst fear – that I might lose my son.

On May 5th I’m taking my son to a pediatric neurologist (again), and to a pediatric gastroenterologist on June 1st. Both specialists are affiliated with Children’s Hospital. Hopefully they’ll have some answers. Please, this time, pray for my son. He I love most of all.

41 thoughts on “Fear of Loss

  1. Tessa April 26, 2015 / 9:40 am

    Praying for your son. Hope you get some good news!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Karen Cooperstein Brockhage April 25, 2015 / 1:53 pm

    My mama heart goes out to you…nothing is worse than watching our kids suffer and not being able to fix it. Prayers for God’s wisdom for the correct treatment, healing, and for your faith to sustain you in the midst of these trials. Late one night in the hospital with our girls, another mom and I were talking about the choice we had to make to keep trusting God. As hard as these things are walking through them with the Lord is way better than trying to do it alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 7:55 pm

      Thank you so much, Karen, for your support and your prayers.

      Like

  3. Sandy Sue April 25, 2015 / 7:32 am

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Kitt. Just know I’m sending love and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dyane April 25, 2015 / 7:29 am

    p.s. I’m glad you have an excellent psychologist who was able to make the connection. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:43 pm

      I know. When I described the crisis, and the need for an intestinal transplant, I immediately thought how could I have not seen it and broke down sobbing.

      My psychologist, who I see on an as-needed basis, is incredible. She’s Buddhist, too, and was raised in a Catholic convent, so she has a very wise vibe. We first met her when Matthew was four. She was Matthew’s psychologist before she became mine. I realized that she was far better than the psychologist I was seeing at the time and asked her to take me on as a patient, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. dyane April 25, 2015 / 7:28 am

    You know I’ll pray my ass off for you and your son and husband. You are a truly wonderful, loving mother to take such good care of him and to love him so…..I’ll be thinking of you lots today. XOXOOOX

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just Plain Ol' Vic April 25, 2015 / 7:15 am

    Sending you heartfelt best wishes! Virtual hug sent your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Grief Happens April 25, 2015 / 6:26 am

    Big hugs. I really get this and will do my best to come back and comment more when I’m not rushing. Thinking of you during this tough time. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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