Fear of Loss

My Son as a Baby. Now He's in High School.

Thursday night I saw my psychologist over the disaster that was Tuesday. First I had her listen to the distraught voice recording I made that night. I told her about my son’s recurring gastroenteritis. He’s suffered from migraines with vomiting since he was a toddler, has gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), and gets gastroenteritis regularly during the winter and spring months.

I talked about how the illness and death of Melissa brought forth defended feelings of grief over the loss of my brother-in-law to lung cancer. My psychologist asked me if I’m afraid of losing my son. I responded I don’t think so. Then I described how Melissa’s small intestines had to be removed, and she died waiting for a small intestine transplant from UCLA. At that point, I broke down sobbing, “Oh, my God!” Yes, that was exactly what I was afraid of. My son is still sick. After all these years. After seeing so many doctors. Still sick. Still vomiting far too much for any boy. Still in pain with debilitating migraines in spite of medication. Melissa’s death realized my worst fear – that I might lose my son.

On May 5th I’m taking my son to a pediatric neurologist (again), and to a pediatric gastroenterologist on June 1st. Both specialists are affiliated with Children’s Hospital. Hopefully they’ll have some answers. Please, this time, pray for my son. He I love most of all.

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41 thoughts on “Fear of Loss

  1. Tessa April 26, 2015 / 9:40 am

    Praying for your son. Hope you get some good news!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Karen Cooperstein Brockhage April 25, 2015 / 1:53 pm

    My mama heart goes out to you…nothing is worse than watching our kids suffer and not being able to fix it. Prayers for God’s wisdom for the correct treatment, healing, and for your faith to sustain you in the midst of these trials. Late one night in the hospital with our girls, another mom and I were talking about the choice we had to make to keep trusting God. As hard as these things are walking through them with the Lord is way better than trying to do it alone.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 7:55 pm

      Thank you so much, Karen, for your support and your prayers.

      Like

  3. Sandy Sue April 25, 2015 / 7:32 am

    I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Kitt. Just know I’m sending love and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dyane April 25, 2015 / 7:29 am

    p.s. I’m glad you have an excellent psychologist who was able to make the connection. XO

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:43 pm

      I know. When I described the crisis, and the need for an intestinal transplant, I immediately thought how could I have not seen it and broke down sobbing.

      My psychologist, who I see on an as-needed basis, is incredible. She’s Buddhist, too, and was raised in a Catholic convent, so she has a very wise vibe. We first met her when Matthew was four. She was Matthew’s psychologist before she became mine. I realized that she was far better than the psychologist I was seeing at the time and asked her to take me on as a patient, too.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. dyane April 25, 2015 / 7:28 am

    You know I’ll pray my ass off for you and your son and husband. You are a truly wonderful, loving mother to take such good care of him and to love him so…..I’ll be thinking of you lots today. XOXOOOX

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just Plain Ol' Vic April 25, 2015 / 7:15 am

    Sending you heartfelt best wishes! Virtual hug sent your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Grief Happens April 25, 2015 / 6:26 am

    Big hugs. I really get this and will do my best to come back and comment more when I’m not rushing. Thinking of you during this tough time. Xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  8. writerwannabe763 April 25, 2015 / 5:46 am

    I’ll say a prayer Kitt…. John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. … Diane

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:35 pm

      Thank you, Diane. John 14:27 brought tears streaming down my face. Thank you for reminding me that I need not fear, that the peace of the Lord is with me and my family.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. stockdalewolfe April 25, 2015 / 4:51 am

    Definitely prayers for you, your husband, and especially your son. If you like I can add his name, if you wish to give me it, to my Friday morning distant Reiki list. And yours. Meantime blessings and hugs! xx Ellen

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:34 pm

      Thank you, Ellen. My son is private, but since his last name is different than mine perhaps sharing his first name still maintains some anonymity. My son’s first name is Matthew, which means gift of the Lord. My husband goes by Nick. XOXOXO

      Liked by 1 person

      • stockdalewolfe April 25, 2015 / 2:08 pm

        Names will be added for Reiki. Prayers will be said daily– actually they already are. Fear of loss is the big one for me. I am obsessed by it– fear of losing my husband. I have lost everyone else except my brother’s widow who are far away in distance and mind. I turned to Buddhism– to a guru called Mooji because the fear of loss is so obsessive. My imagination is out of control in imagining scenarios. Buddhism is my only hope. No other alternatives. The more you love the more you stand to lose. But I have always been this way. It is just I have never loved anyone more than my husband. So I understand your fears. Maybe it is even harder as a Mom. God bless you, Kitt, Matthew and Nick. My heart goes out to your son. I have emetophobia and will do almost anything not to vomit. I also get migraines 2-3x a week. He is way too young to be suffering so much. There is a great ginger tea on Amazon that has helped with both. It is called Prince of Peace ginger honey crystals.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 7:57 pm

          Thank you so much, Ellen, for your support and your prayers.

          Like

  10. e April 25, 2015 / 4:32 am

    My heart, prayers are thoughts are with you, your husband and son Kitt. So glad our paths crossed. I am the better for it. For whatever it’s worth, I’m here.

    e

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:05 pm

      Thank you, e. You are so loving and generous. Without doubt the Lord works through you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • e April 25, 2015 / 3:19 pm

        Thank you LORD! Kitt, Appreciate you so much🙏🏼

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Sara April 25, 2015 / 4:18 am

    You are brave to put your thoughts out there. I have had many people die in my life and I am always thinking about it. Even when my daughter has a bad cold I worry. I basically worry 24/7. Please remember you have friends here to talk to. Please keep us posted on your son.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:02 pm

      Thank you so much, Sara. My husband has lost many loved ones, as well. Having that anxiety hanging over your head 24/7 must be very difficult. I hope that in return for your loving response I can in someway alleviate your anxiety (easier said than done, I know). I will visit your blog now to offer you my support in return.

      Like

    • Kitt O'Malley April 25, 2015 / 12:05 pm

      Oops. No link to a blog. So, I’ll just let you know here that there are effective treatments for anxiety, such as medication (SSRIs, for instance), therapy and peer support. I hope that your anxiety is not debilitating and that you are getting the support you need. Thank you so much for your kind words.

      Like

  12. Zoe April 25, 2015 / 3:14 am

    Praying for him! I hope they can find better solutions to help him manage his symptoms and if possible for total recovery and healing.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Bipolar1Blog April 24, 2015 / 11:21 pm

    Oh Kitt, I am so sorry! I hope so much that the doctors can help your son. I know what it’s like to be afraid. I have kept my fear at bay for half of my life. But you and I are strong, we will always be there for our sons and help make their lives better, loving them fiercely all the way. Strength to you my friend. Love and hugs to you and your son.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. bpnurse April 24, 2015 / 9:17 pm

    Prayers being sent up for both of you. I’m sorry you’re going through so much at one time. (((((HUGS)))))

    Liked by 1 person

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