Thoughts Intrude

Leave Me Alone!

Thoughts intrude
Throw plate in sink
Let it shatter loudly
I see myself doing it
The image, the impulse is there
There – in my mind
No! I respond
Turn left NOW in front of oncoming traffic
No! No! No! Don’t do it
Wait for the green arrow
Yell at, argue with, my son, my husband
Pick a fight with them
No! Do not do it

Must fight the thoughts
Must fight the impulses
They make no sense
I’m irritable
In a mixed state
Somewhat hypomanic
Not suicidal
There is no intent behind them
Just intrusive thoughts
Unwelcome images and impulses
Without reason
Without cause

Except this pain
These insistent hormones
Nasty cramps
Super irritable
Why?
It’s been months
I think
Since last I bled
I’m 51, 52 this August
Give it up already
Stop menstruating
It’s not going to happen
No more babies
From this empty fibrous womb

So, stop it
Leave me alone
Leave my body alone
Stop with the pain
Stop behaving
Like a fertile woman
I AM OLD
LEAVE ME BE
Let me become
The crone, the hag
I’ve earned it

Leave me be
Let me rest
Enough

25 thoughts on “Thoughts Intrude

  1. Kitt O'Malley June 21, 2016 / 1:07 pm

    Reblogged this on Kitt O'Malley and commented:

    Originally posted May 3, 2015. Now a year older. Not hypomanic or irritable. Just exhausted, for good reason (too much responsibility on my shoulders weighing me down).

    Did a good bit of free-writing at OC Writers write-in yesterday. Plant to salvage some of it, to edit and post here, to edit and submit elsewhere. Primary content of my freewriting was intense.

    Like

  2. Elena May 6, 2015 / 2:57 pm

    I hear you about the big M. I’m dealing with interrupted sleep. I hope that isn’t happening to you. That would really mess things up. Take care of yourself. It will be over soon enough(so im told).

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 6, 2015 / 5:07 pm

      No, just having trouble falling asleep. Chew clonazepam when I can’t fall sleep quickly.

      Like

  3. Tessa May 4, 2015 / 7:59 pm

    I have heard menopause makes it worse and for me that was definitely true. Much worse now! Went into menopause 6 years ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 5, 2015 / 10:12 am

      Hoping for some respite, actually. I felt better until recent menses – then all hell broke loose.

      Like

      • Tessa May 5, 2015 / 3:30 pm

        Sorry to hear that Kitt. Hope you do better next time.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley May 5, 2015 / 4:02 pm

          I was hoping for no more next time, but the old womb just hasn’t given it up yet.

          Like

          • Tessa May 5, 2015 / 4:58 pm

            I went 11 1/2 months and then bingo, there we went again. That was the last one though.

            Liked by 1 person

  4. stockdalewolfe May 3, 2015 / 4:07 pm

    Love the poem!! Love it!! Hope you’re intrusive thoughts stop with menopause. I still have them. But I am following a new religious practice and a MAJOR medication change so some sort of cleansing going on. I hate intrusive thoughts. Seems they are all negative. FEEL BETTER and write more poetry.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 3, 2015 / 7:55 pm

      Thank you, Ellen. Such a compliment from you is a HUGE compliment.

      Like

  5. mihrank May 3, 2015 / 3:32 pm

    Kitt – hope all us well with you – you have nominated such powerful word and meaning ….this is the best of the best!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 3, 2015 / 7:53 pm

      LOL. I cannot wait until this ends! I had one, count him, one child, so this is entirely unnecessary.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. blahpolar May 3, 2015 / 12:52 pm

    Your featured image is beautifully subtle, I likes it. I’m trying Jedi mind tricks to hasten the onset of menopause. Peri menopause. Whatever pauses the pestilent menses. PM and a mixed state? It’s a wonder you haven’t killed anyone. pins the red star of bravery and fortitude on you

    Liked by 1 person

      • emmagc75 May 3, 2015 / 1:21 pm

        Nobody can possibly understand what those of us with mental illness go through. Most days I think my hubby gets it, but then there are days like today when he doesn’t. He’s sooo in the doghouse right now, he should think about expanding it LOL.

        Liked by 1 person

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