Yesterday was a Bust

Feeling Blue Like a Failure against blue sky and bare branches

Yesterday, I blew it. First of all, I had vertigo in the morning. The night before my son had complained of getting dizzy walking up the stairs and collapsed into bed. Monday morning I had to hold onto walls to keep my balance.

Using the vertigo as an excuse (probably a good reason to avoid driving, though I did take my kid to and from school), I bailed attending an Orange County Community Action Advisory Committee meeting. Why I even went to the previous month’s meeting, I do not know. I don’t even use any county services. I suppose I could. I am on disability. There are services available, as well as nonprofit peer support groups nearby. But, I don’t.

Eventually I bail on every group (but I am still married, and no matter how much of a failure I feel as a mother, I haven’t run away). Honestly, I just do not feel comfortable with the whole group membership thing, and so I shirk any and all expectations. I’ve trained to be a NAMI volunteer, but I’ve done minimal, absolutely minimal volunteering. I’m a farce. A joke. An illusion. I feel like a total fucking failure.

I even bailed on going out for our anniversary dinner, which suited my husband. He’d just as soon put his jammies on after work. But, I was isolating myself and neglecting putting myself together, making myself look and feel pretty, or at least presentable. I want to be waited on hand and foot, I wanted to eat delicious food, I just wasn’t up for going out to a restaurant. I wasn’t up for going OUT, period. I failed once again as a mother, losing it when my son threw a fit. I responded with a fit of my own. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I JUST CANNOT HOLD IT TOGETHER ANYMORE. I’m undone. I’m completely undone.

Now, I’m debating bailing on meeting an acquaintance for lunch. She’s a lovely woman writer, a mother (no doubt a better mother), who is a member of OC Writers, a local writers’ group which I have not gone to in quite some time. Shit.

51 thoughts on “Yesterday was a Bust

  1. Just Plain Ol' Vic May 19, 2015 / 7:18 pm

    Ah Kitt, I can only imagine how tough it is. All I can emphasize is that you are NOT a failure but a wonderful and complex person. You are also NOT undone, you are simply having a rough patch. As with many things in life, I have faith in you that you will make it through this and realize that you are loved by your family and respected by the WordPress community.

    Take care!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. stockdalewolfe May 19, 2015 / 5:51 pm

    It is all so familiar!! I make all these plans and social dates when I am manic and then I get depressed and panicked (and have had vertigo for the past 3 days) and I bail. I sign up to follow all these blogs and am now in a depression and can’t read or write at all. I keep up with you and a couple of others pretty much no matter what but the rest I just can’t. This is what mania and depression do to us. It is all cycles. I am not properly medicated and it was a major achievement to go to a new gyn and he was horrid and I am pissed. Our anniversary was last week and I bought some deli food and we sat home and watched Modern Family. We did go out eventually but mostly we never do. We still have not celebrated my 65th b-day in Dec. for example. It’s fine. What we do is fine. We are not failures. We are mentally ill and we need to know that and know our limits. I am lecturing myself here, too. I have lost many friends to cancellations because of migraines caused by depression panic. Tomorrow I start a 7 day retreat online (I would never go). Will see if I can do it. It means getting up at 4AM every day for 7 days. It means listening to 6 hours of Satsang a day. It is all okay. The failures are okay. The failures are okay. I am trying still to tell myself that. I am older than you are and have lived with this longer and it gets to a point where you ask yourself why am I doing _____________? Take it easy on yourself!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 20, 2015 / 11:15 am

      Thank you, Ellen. Today I saw my psychiatrist. Going back on Lexapro (in addition to my mood stabilizer). I have a history of depression that predated diagnosed hypomanic symptoms, so I’m pretty vulnerable to depression and depressive ideation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • stockdalewolfe May 20, 2015 / 11:47 am

        Hope it works for you, Kitt! But easy on yourself. I admire your drive but meditation and quiet states are good, too. You help people a lot through your blog. You don’t HAVE to do groupy things, too unless you find that fulfilling. You’re good the way you are and have enough on your plate. But what do I know?

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley May 20, 2015 / 1:20 pm

          You are right. Groups overwhelm and overstimulate me. In fact, I do not feel safe in a support group setting without a skilled mental health professional and clearly defined boundaries. My personal boundaries are too permeable, and I’m too sensitive. The social demands of loving my husband and son can overwhelm me. Being emotionally present and grounded to meet those demands adequately is of primary importance to me.

          Like

  3. Susan Irene Fox May 19, 2015 / 1:49 pm

    Oh, Kitt, I so identify with those feelings. (And I get vertigo, too! I wonder if vertigo and bp go hand-in-hand. Hmmmm. Aneeway…)

    As an introvert (extreme maybe) I have finally given myself permission to NOT do things. I used to cancel plans and risk horrible anger and disappointment from friends. Now, I simply say, “no” a lot. I prefer to hang out with my cat. I still do say, “yes,” and then cancel from time to time because the plans sound like a good idea at the time – but frankly, as the event approaches, I simply don’t want to go. The energy it takes to “put on a happy face” or just to socialize isn’t worth the recoup time. I’m sure it’s half introversion and half bp, but I know myself enough to know I truly enjoy the solitude.

    As for feeling like a failure – okay, give yourself a couple of hours to mope. We all deserve a good pity party now and then. When the half gallon of ice cream is gone, let it go. Resolve to take at least one positive step to get you out of it. Sounds like you did by calling your psych. And you DID take the kids to school. 😉 Good job.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley May 19, 2015 / 2:14 pm

      Thank you, Susan. You are ever supportive. I thank God for your support. I thank God for the support and company of the woman I had lunch with. I left a message with Saddleback Church to look into what support they have to offer. I live within a mile of the church’s mega-campus. Though my beliefs are more liberal, I appreciate all the support and services they offer.

      Like

  4. Zoe May 19, 2015 / 11:57 am

    I know much about this. The non-ill me wants to do things, signs up for things, but sick-me bails and cancels. And then the guilt over disappointing others and myself makes me feel worse. It’s a vicious, toxic cycle.

    I don’t want to belittle your feelings by saying you’re not this or that. Frankly because I would feel hypocritical since I’m in a similar pinch — not because I agree you are (a failure.) What I can say is that no one is perfect, we all fall short sometimes too. That doesn’t lessen the good things you do.

    Your feelings are valid. Whether they are real or justified doesn’t change the fact that you feel them anyways.

    What I can do is remind you that you’re doing a good work here. I take courage from the days you succeed and the days you don’t. You are real. I relate to you. And you are making a difference even on days when you feel like this.

    Thank you for sharing the good and the bad (and the funny.)

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 19, 2015 / 1:43 pm

      Thank you, Zoe. I will say this: I DID go out to lunch with my fellow writer. Honestly, that’s a major achievement. Maybe I’ll actually show up for this week’s writers’ group meetup. Then again, maybe not. You describe perfectly the conundrum we face. I’m reminded of “The Hokey Pokey” lyrics – put your whole self in, take your whole self out…

      Like

  5. Angie Mc May 19, 2015 / 11:37 am

    I’m glad to see you are taking care of yourself! I’m a big fan of doing little nice things for myself when I need to do a lot of big things (umm, family life comes to mind) so, just curious, what are your favorite little nice things you like to do for yourself? I like some dark chocolate (salted)…a little coffee (black)…talking to my daughter…listening to new music…

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 19, 2015 / 1:13 pm

      I went out to lunch with a woman from the writers’ group I haven’t been attending. I do have some dark chocolate I can sample. Enjoyed the view on my way home from lunch. Had a decaf latte. Music is a good idea. Thank you.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Angie Mc May 19, 2015 / 1:16 pm

        Glad you were able to get out an visit. I’ll be visiting with a friend tonight. She’s going through a very hard time, all the more reason for us to go out, get a yummy meal, and be nice to ourselves. Now I’m craving a latte 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Jennifer Butler Basile May 19, 2015 / 11:03 am

    Peace to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Bare Naked in Public May 19, 2015 / 10:45 am

    Rough . . . Hang in there. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Do one nice thing for yourself today. Just one. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Mariah Warren May 19, 2015 / 10:24 am

    Thinking of you and sending some virtual support. I understand the feelings of failure ; I get those myself. Remember how many people you have touched by sharing your writing and by supporting ours. You haven’t bailed on that. Thank you for being honest and open. Here for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 19, 2015 / 10:52 am

      Thanks. Must hold it together for lunch date with wonderful woman who doesn’t need me falling apart on her. After that, I may just let myself cry. Tomorrow have appt with pdoc. Perimenopause + bipolar + parenting a teen = recipe for feeling out of control.

      Like

  9. dyane May 19, 2015 / 10:17 am

    Oh honey…I know EXACTLY how you feel! (Well, almost!)

    I love you.

    I’m glad you’re going to cancel lunch & call the pdoc – that’s exactly what will help.
    BPNurse gave great advice so I’m not going to add on anything.

    I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow @ 10:00 a.m. and I’ll touch base with you later on this week and see how you’re doing. You’ll be in my thoughts daily no matter what – you always are.

    XOXOX
    Dy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 19, 2015 / 10:50 am

      Not sure if I can get thru to cancel lunch. Made plans thru FB. Do not have her phone #!

      Like

  10. bpnurse May 19, 2015 / 10:05 am

    You are NOT a failure. You’re conflating a bad week with the idea that you’re irredeemably flawed and suck at life, which isn’t true. It’s the illness lying to you! Please get some help—call your pdoc and see if an uptick in meds can straighten out your thought processes, or see your T (if you have one). I’m glad you can write about these things but really think you need more help than your readers can give you. Praying for you.

    Liked by 4 people

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