Yesterday was a Bust

Feeling Blue Like a Failure against blue sky and bare branches

Yesterday, I blew it. First of all, I had vertigo in the morning. The night before my son had complained of getting dizzy walking up the stairs and collapsed into bed. Monday morning I had to hold onto walls to keep my balance.

Using the vertigo as an excuse (probably a good reason to avoid driving, though I did take my kid to and from school), I bailed attending an Orange County Community Action Advisory Committee meeting. Why I even went to the previous month’s meeting, I do not know. I don’t even use any county services. I suppose I could. I am on disability. There are services available, as well as nonprofit peer support groups nearby. But, I don’t.

Eventually I bail on every group (but I am still married, and no matter how much of a failure I feel as a mother, I haven’t run away). Honestly, I just do not feel comfortable with the whole group membership thing, and so I shirk any and all expectations. I’ve trained to be a NAMI volunteer, but I’ve done minimal, absolutely minimal volunteering. I’m a farce. A joke. An illusion. I feel like a total fucking failure.

I even bailed on going out for our anniversary dinner, which suited my husband. He’d just as soon put his jammies on after work. But, I was isolating myself and neglecting putting myself together, making myself look and feel pretty, or at least presentable. I want to be waited on hand and foot, I wanted to eat delicious food, I just wasn’t up for going out to a restaurant. I wasn’t up for going OUT, period. I failed once again as a mother, losing it when my son threw a fit. I responded with a fit of my own. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I JUST CANNOT HOLD IT TOGETHER ANYMORE. I’m undone. I’m completely undone.

Now, I’m debating bailing on meeting an acquaintance for lunch. She’s a lovely woman writer, a mother (no doubt a better mother), who is a member of OC Writers, a local writers’ group which I have not gone to in quite some time. Shit.

51 thoughts on “Yesterday was a Bust

  1. Ellen Hawley June 11, 2015 / 1:44 am

    Will you forgive a bit of advice? Ban all the harsh descriptions of yourself: a failure, a farce, etc. They only make the hole deeper. You had a bad day. Maybe you did what you needed to do and maybe not. Either way, you didn’t meet your expectations of yourself. That’s all. It makes it easier to pick up and go on.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley June 11, 2015 / 9:32 am

      Excellent advice. That post was very uncharacteristic of me and got a lot of concerned feedback. In fact, I went to my psychiatrist to get back on antidepressants. I was in a hole and just decided to express what those thoughts were. Of course, stopping and rewriting those negative thoughts is far healthier.

      Like

  2. gentlekindness May 21, 2015 / 5:33 am

    I am sorry you are having hard days. When things are like this, then volunteer work has to fall to a lesser priority.
    Even lunches with friends has to take a second seat also.
    Your health and mental health are first.
    Annie

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 21, 2015 / 3:55 pm

      I am going out to dinner with a friend tonight, though. She has bipolar, too, and a son the same age as mine, so we can commiserate.

      Like

  3. Sandy Sue May 20, 2015 / 1:31 pm

    I know these days. I had one Tuesday. This is probably the hardest thing about bipolar disorder for me—being inconsistent and ditching anything having to do with people when I’m brain-sick. I hope by now, you’ve come back to understanding this is just the illness. There is no failure. There is only what we are able to do each day—and that is always changing.

    If you’re like me, Kitt, you keep trying to volunteer and join groups because that’s the kind of person you want to be. I wanted so much to be useful as a Peer Support Specialist, but when it came right down to it, I couldn’t tolerate it.

    We have to let go of this yardstick. There are a million other ways we succeed. We just have to remember and give ourselves credit for them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 21, 2015 / 3:37 pm

      Yes. You are right. There is this person who I always imagined myself being or becoming. I had been such a high achiever in my youth. But, as I age, maintaining my stability and my mental health takes precedence, especially because I am parenting a son who needs more time and attention than your average teen. He gets sick often and has migraines. Taking care of him is hard. I so wish he was more resilient, but he is a sensitive child. I suppose the same could be said of me.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. L.E. Henderson May 20, 2015 / 11:10 am

    I know well that feeling of just coming apart! I feel it more often than I like to admit. Thanks for sharing and I hope that feeling gets better soon! For both of us.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. vanbytheriver May 20, 2015 / 4:40 am

    Hormones and depressive issues are not just toxic, they are a full-on assault. I want to say be kind to yourself and know that you’ll get through it.

    But there might be something else there that I noticed. I don’t know if you can relate, Kitt,
    but I thought I’d share anyway.

    I hate holidays/celebrations of all sort. My anniversary, birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas all happen within a month’s time. It is the worst time of my year, and it took me a lifetime to discover why.

    There is a mantra in my depressive mind that says “You don’t deserve happiness”.

    Of course, that’s not true, but when you feel so bad for so long, it’s a hard belief to shake. The stress and conflict this creates in my mind, my life, my family can be overwhelming. It has me praying for January’s welcome relief.

    I am new to your blog, and I certainly would never presume to know your story. I’ve just found that we are all so much more alike than different. From what I can see, you are so far from being a failure; you are dealing with an illness. Wishing you wellness. Van

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley May 20, 2015 / 11:23 am

      Van, you did got that right. I always expect failure on my birthday, anniversary, etc. I always expect to be disappointed. I set myself up for it. I set my family up to disappoint me.

      Liked by 1 person

      • vanbytheriver May 20, 2015 / 3:26 pm

        Be proud that you already understand this. That’s a huge step. Once they become aware, family can help you move forward; even towards joy. ☺ Van

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley May 21, 2015 / 3:46 pm

          Thank you. Now I have to discuss it with my family, especially my husband. Honestly, I need to tell him exactly what I need from him on those special occasions. He’s great at breakfast in bed on a normal Saturday. But, we haven’t gone out on a romantic date in a while. I like the excuse to get dressed up and look pretty every now and again. I know that he appreciates it, too.

          Liked by 1 person

          • vanbytheriver May 21, 2015 / 3:57 pm

            We, too, have settled into that comfort zone a bit too much. It seems we get the most dressed up lately for family events; sadly, more funerals than happy occasions. Life. 💕

            Liked by 1 person

          • Kitt O'Malley May 21, 2015 / 4:55 pm

            I’m sorry to hear about the funerals. We lost my husband’s oldest brother in March. He died of lung cancer and was still in his 50s. Far too many family members have or have had cancer.

            Liked by 1 person

  6. Amy Gamble May 20, 2015 / 3:48 am

    Kitt,
    Just because you are struggling does not make you a failure. All we can do is the best we got in that moment. You are living with a tough illness, so try and give yourself a break. I am so impressed with all that you do inspite of the challenges you face. I have had those days too where I had to cancel all of my commitments. I just learned that it needs to be okay for me to have bad days. They won’t last forever. You hang in there and know I am sending you positive thoughts!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. debiriley May 20, 2015 / 2:47 am

    Hi, Hoping you are feeling a bit better today 🙂 you know, you just put into written words what 99% of the rest of think or say to ourselves at some point. we wonder what we did wrong with our child; what we did wrong with our health; what we did wrong with xyz, and how to fix it.

    I do want to say – you are not a failure. Things in your life …. well, they are just “not yet” resolved. yes, I do have to say that to myself 🙂 again, hoping you’re feeling better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 20, 2015 / 11:19 am

      Thank you. Have to write update today about what steps I am taking to move into a better place with my own bout of depression and depressive ideation and with parenting my son.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. La Quemada May 19, 2015 / 8:27 pm

    I can so relate! I know what it is to need to withdraw from the world. I’m a bit that way all the time and even more so when my depression is bad. But I am working hard on not berating myself for it. It doesn’t always work, but I am sometimes able to tell myself that when I’m feeling that way, it’s ok to give myself a break and rest.

    It’s definitely clear to me, as an outsider reading your blog, that you are not in any way a failure! Parenting is hard work, and who hasn’t lost their temper with a teenage child?

    I hope you feel better soon!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 20, 2015 / 11:18 am

      Thank you! Just saw my psychiatrist and am going back on my antidepressant which should help. Also, scheduled a session with a psychologist to work with me and my son (and my husband for the first session).

      Like

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