Have I Fucked Up?

Have I Fucked Up?

Okay, so now I’m wondering, have I fucked up? Am I not writing enough? Am I not engaging with my readers? How the fuck am I ever going to get anything done? It seems like I spend all my waking hours on the computer. Well, I actually DO spend virtually all my waking hours on my laptop, iPhone, or iPad. Still, I don’t feel like I’m accomplishing what I want. I’m not writing enough. I feel like a hamster on a wheel. At what point do I simply cut back? What do I cut back? What do I continue to do? Help!

48 thoughts on “Have I Fucked Up?

  1. writerwannabe763 August 6, 2015 / 6:43 pm

    It looks like you’ve received lots of advice… but I would simply add, you do what you have to of course first and foremost… and then you do what gives you the most pleasure, even if it is something that for a time just distracts you from thoughts that are worrisome…. even if it seemingly accomplishes nothing more than that!…. Diane

    Liked by 1 person

  2. gentlekindness August 5, 2015 / 6:03 pm

    I have recently been researching about Executive Function. This is the part of the brain that coordinates your abilities relating to getting things done.

    If your Executive Function is not working properly it will cause you to have difficulty with…
    Prioritizing
    Planning
    Figuring out the steps needed to achieve a goal
    Self motivating to do the steps
    Focus and concentration
    Self monitoring
    Memory

    Executive Function can be damaged from any king of trauma. It can be affected by mood disorders. And it can be affected by ADHD.

    I think if you do some reading about it then you might at least have something tangible ….well kind of tangible….

    It is something to bring up with a therapist anyway. And it may allow you to be able to be more forgiving and patient with yourself

    If Executive Function is inhibited or malfunctioning due to mood disorder then it is not your fault or due to laziness or anyhting.

    Liked by 2 people

    • jaklumen August 11, 2015 / 1:41 am

      Makes sense to me. It feels like bad news, sometimes, though.

      My wife and I are survivors of abuse- sexual, emotional, physical. We have two children. I am the one that doesn’t have AD(H)D. (Do the math!)

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Just Plain Ol' Vic August 5, 2015 / 10:23 am

    I think you need to write at the pace that makes you happy. If that pace requires a break, then take it. If that pace means only writing once or twice a week, than do that. Ultimately your mental and physical needs have to be the primary consideration.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:47 pm

      I want to write more and read less, but feel like I would be letting our community down if I didn’t read my readers. I need to reign in my use of other social media, too. For some reason, I’ve been on a mission to increase LinkedIn, Twitter and Facebook followers. I’ve also been trying out new apps and tools.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Just Plain Ol' Vic August 5, 2015 / 5:22 pm

        It can get complex when you have all these different social media outlets that you are utilizing. I think that is why I choose to simply have WordPress, it allows my time to be more focused.

        Liked by 2 people

      • blahpolar August 8, 2015 / 10:29 pm

        It’s fun and it’s reaffirming, to get social media “right”, it’s also never ending. I used to make my living doing it, and have always done it for myself too. Roughly 20 years of that, not knowing it was triggering me wildly, and I made some changes. Twitter was my favourite thing, I gave it up cold turkey and I still miss it, but I don’t regret it at all. I hated giving up instagram, but once I had, I realised that life was less stressful without my brain framing everything around me square shaped. Etc. My shrink told me that the shrinks in her practice don’t touch social media at all, because of its negative effects.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley August 8, 2015 / 11:03 pm

          I’m still using it. Something of an addict, I’m afraid.

          Like

  4. vanbytheriver August 5, 2015 / 9:55 am

    It is so easy to get lost here on these interwebs, Kitt. I often wake up with an idea. If I stop to read my e mail, WP comments, etc., I lose something. So..I go right to the piece I want to write, then take a walk, eat, cook, do chores, etc., returning later to catch up on the reading.

    If I don’t have that early a.m. idea, I go to the reading effort first…there are so many ideas triggered by others works on all social media, sometimes even from the morning news programs.

    It has worked for me for a while now. But to answer your question…no, you have not.

    There are no assignments, deadlines, pressures here on WP…at least there should not be. Take your time, set your own pace, and take breaks often. Your brain, your body, your energy level will all be the better for it.

    Wishing you all the best. Try not to be too hard on yourself. 💕 Van

    Liked by 3 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:44 pm

      Van, honestly, I even got triggered just reading an autobiography by a woman with bipolar. Reading symptomatic behavior triggers me, brings me back to those days, to my fear of returning there.

      Liked by 2 people

      • vanbytheriver August 5, 2015 / 12:58 pm

        That’s when you/we all really need to step away. Time to select some other reading material when that happens, Kitt. We all fear returning there, there’s no reason to dwell on it…just a thought. ☺

        Liked by 2 people

  5. dyane August 5, 2015 / 7:37 am

    p.s.my dear…you wrote “I’m not writing enough” and I wanted to respond to that.

    I have barely been able to write anything this summer (book or blog) and after being so upset/obsessive about this “failure”, I finally gave myself permission to take a break until school starts up again for my girls.

    Everyone is different, but I can only write when I have an almost totally quiet house with only Lucy and the hamters around. I wish I could write with distractions but I can’t seem to do it.

    I committed to a weekday writing routine. Mind you, I had no volunteer obligations so this will seem so “do-able” yet it was hard for me despite that fact.

    I dropped the girls off, came home & allowed myself up to an hour to check Twitter/email/former Facebook account (of course the time flew by) and then I opened my holy Word file to pick up where I left off. A good writer friend of mine advised me to “start at 10AM” which I liked because I was more awake by then.

    I didn’t have an exact ftime limit for writing, but my goal was to try for at least an hour.Some days were better than others, of course. My girls had a LOT of colds & other illnesses which foiled my plans, but that’s what generally worked for me last year. These are just suggestions of course! I don’t mean to sound pedantic. You’ll find a way that works for you – I know it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • Laura Droege August 5, 2015 / 7:48 am

      I’ve been the same way, Dyane. It’s really, really hard to write with the kids at home. I have to have my routine, and kids disrupt routines. (Except when they were young enough to nap. Then nap-time was my writing time!) I don’t tend to be stable if I don’t have a routine.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:43 pm

        My routine involved waking up, taking my son to school, and picking him up. Not having that regular sleep schedule messes me up.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Laura Droege August 5, 2015 / 2:04 pm

          Me, too! We went out of town recently and the hotel was noisy all three nights; it took me a week to recover from my disrupted sleep schedule.

          Liked by 1 person

      • dyane August 5, 2015 / 1:05 pm

        Time management is hard as hell!!! 😉

        I’ve declared today to be “Sitting On My Ass Day”. I’m watching “Lark Rise to Candleford” DVD’s and possibly “Silicon Valley” which is arriving in today’s mail. The girls are doing art projects & Animal Jam on the laptop (don’t ask) and I spent the morning with them, so now it’s me time. Fck dirty dishes, fck dirty laundry, F*ck disgusting rat droppings that need to be picked up in various corners of the room. II’m appreciating every drop of my indulgence and by golly, I deserve it! p.s. I just started following that new blog you tweeted about – the gal in Melbourne – she seems cool and I told her you referred me!

        Liked by 1 person

  6. dyane August 5, 2015 / 7:20 am

    It’s so hard, Kitt. As you know what worked for me to reduce my hamster wheel net time was being forced off the internet cold-turkey-style while at that remote cabin without internet or neighbors’ unlocked WiFi to tap into.

    When I returned to “anytime internet access” it was been easier to pare back. Having two girls to deal with is forcing me out of the house to do activities with them.

    I wish I had good advice for you but it looks like you’re getting some. detailed comments which I’ll go read while Avi & Rilla are asleep. Love you — you’re always in my thoughts!!!!!!

    p.s. YOU never fuck up! Life is hard, that is all! What matters is that you’re aware of a need to change your lifestyle/perspective. I’m so proud of you for being open about your vulnerabilities!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:41 pm

      I was ranting. I just know that I’m WAY overdoing social media. Acknowledging that I have a problem.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Arya August 5, 2015 / 6:13 am

    Take a well earned break. I often feel like this and it just means that I need a break from blogging. You will have plenty of things to blog about after to break that will hook your reader and make you feel great! Good LuckXXX

    http://anythingandeverything.weebly.com/

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:38 pm

      Thank you, Arya. I actually think I need to write more and read and share less, but feel guilty when I don’t keep up with reading my readers.

      Like

  8. bipolarsojourner August 5, 2015 / 5:58 am

    i honor for recognizing the importance of connections and making the effort to make it. i understand how difficult that can be in the face of depression.

    you’ve run into one of the unexplained “miracles” of modern depression. most of us recognize the importance of connection as an integral part of our mental wellness. we’d give our eye tooth for it. yet for me, in the depth of depression connections become a sheer impossibility. voice mails aren’t even listened to, much less answer, setting up to do things with my friends dwindles to zero, even when they try to set things up, communications with my wife becomes difficult, even interacting on blogs becomes a struggle.

    it is not fair that depressions robs from one of the key parts to our mental wellness. try as we may, depression seems to take away connections from us. that sucks!

    it makes me angry and frustrated. the anger and frustration tells me i consider connection important and yet it’s not happening. in that place, i have two choices to make; either fight through it and make connections or be more accepting of my depression induced lack of connection. only when i do one of those two things do i have a chance to fight through the anger and frustration that haunts me. often times, neither one of those seems possible so I stay stuck in my anger and frustration.

    my challenge to you, like you did here, is to continue to makes connections, no matter how difficult they are, or secondly, find acceptance that depression burgles connections from you. neither one is favorable, yet they can help you through.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley August 5, 2015 / 12:36 pm

      I accept your challenge and commend you on challenging yourself as well. One difference between depression and bipolar disorder, at least for me, is that social media stimulation, all social stimulation for that matter, stimulates hypomania. It then feeds itself, growing, until I break and fall into a depression. I try to catch it before it gets to that point. But that is the risk.

      Liked by 1 person

      • bipolarsojourner August 5, 2015 / 12:49 pm

        no doubt the social media can generate stimulation and lead to hypomania. on the depression side of things, there can be similar results. decent doses of fear come with depression. often times, the fear can be overwhelming especially with someone in the weakened state of depression. instead of facing those fears, it is easier to run to anything including social media. every minute of fear induced social media simply postpones a return to mental wellness. approaching mental wellness can only be achieved by learning to face those fears instead of running from them.

        Liked by 2 people

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