I Don’t Want to Write About #Suicide

Do Not Want to Write About Suicide. Background image is chainlink fence with people playing basketball behind it

I don’t want to write about suicide
I don’t want the image of her
Clinging onto a chain link fence
Chef’s knife in hand
Chef’s knife inside of her
Looking through the chain link
At kids playing in the park
She mourned the loss of her son
She could not contain her grief
She could not hold on
She had other children
They no longer had a mother
My father no longer had a cousin
I no longer had a cousin once removed

When I was 18
I, too, wanted to kill myself
I thought the world
Better off without me
My family
Better off without me
The emotional pain
Unbearable
A living hell
But I didn’t kill myself
I sought help
I got help
But I was not a mother
Grieving the loss of her son

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50 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Write About #Suicide

  1. Kitt – You are so right, the pain of losing a child is like none other. It never, ever goes away. It doesn’t matter how many years have passed. It’s always there. It’s been almost 40 years since the death of my only child, a 7 year old daughter, and the grief continues to linger in my heart. I’ve never missed a parole board hearing of the man who murdered her and as long as I’m alive I never will. I’m the only mother that still shows up. I’ll admit, writing a suicide blog for next week is one of the hardest blogs I’ve written in a very long time. Hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:47 pm

      I am so very sorry, Sheri. You and your daughter are in my prayers. Tears are in my eyes imagining your pain.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt – There was something about your blog and the comments I read that broke lose inside of me. I don’t normally write about the profound grief that accompanies losing a child, but after Camille was murdered, I did most everything I could to destroy myself. It’s by God’s grace and wonderful friends that I learned to put one foot in front of another again. It hasn’t been until my work with Elizabeth that I’ve found healthy ways to deal with both my grief and my anger. Thank you for being there.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley September 17, 2015 / 2:41 pm

          Thank God you had the love and support of friends and Elizabeth to help you heal, grieve and focusing your anger in healthy ways. I send you my love again. I had no idea. Again, tears in my eyes. I allowed myself to imagine what I would feel if my son was violently taken from me. Profoundly deep sorrow and if it actually happened, no doubt unimaginable rage – a mother’s fierce protective nature knows no bounds.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Kitt – Thank you. The rage I felt I turned inward for many years and if it hadn’t been for some wonderful friends and then Tom surrounding me with so much love and understanding and finally Elizabeth to give me the tools I have to work with – I probably wouldn’t be here to acknowledge the horrendous acts of this man today. I’m determined he’ll never see the light of day. He received 9 consecutive life sentences and he’s been up for parole every 5 years for the past 20 years. I do not believe he or others like him can be rehabilitated.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Jay September 16, 2015 / 1:27 pm

    No one ever wants to write such things.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:45 pm

      Without doubt. Suicide is tragic. Loss of a child is tragic.

      Like

  3. Lizzy September 16, 2015 / 1:21 pm

    OMGosh! That is so very heart-wrenching. I can not even imagine being in such a situation. Sad to say that not many people can see the signs of somebody who wants to do that. And those who do think about doing this are so good at hiding it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:44 pm

      Yes, when I was suicidal very few people knew. They, my closest friends, knew only because I told them. My friends made me promise to get help, which I did through student health services. I looked “fine,” was social, friendly, active, and high-achieving.

      Now that I am a mother, I can only imagine what it must have been like for my relative to lose her son.

      Like

  4. bpnurse September 16, 2015 / 12:53 pm

    How sad. I’m so sorry. But what a wonderful piece of writing!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Jeffrey Whittaker September 16, 2015 / 12:47 pm

    The pain is present in our words. And some pains are specially intense. Staying in control is what we need to do. Not to choke the pain to death, but to know that it is finite while we are infinite.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:41 pm

      “To know that it is finite while we are infinite.” True. Hard to remember when you are consumed with pain. But true indeed.

      Like

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:40 pm

      Very sad. Huge loss to our family. I’m glad the help I sought did indeed help. If I had suffered a loss as great as hers, I do not know if psychotherapy or meds would have eased the pain of loss.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. dyane September 16, 2015 / 12:44 pm

    Beyond powerful. Heartbreaking.

    I’ve held off on reading anything suicide-connected for a long time, so forgive this brief reply.
    But I could never….would never….want to miss anything you write.

    I thank God you’re here and that you came into my world to be a wonderful and supportive friend who understands my struggles more than 99.9% of the people on this planet.

    XXOO
    always

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:39 pm

      I’ve put off writing about this suicide for decades. She died when I was a girl.

      Liked by 1 person

      • dyane September 17, 2015 / 11:55 am

        I hope that in writing about it that it was an ultimately positive catharsis – I’m so very proud of you for tackling such a heartbreaking event, and for sharing/writing about it so vividly and brilliantly XOXOXXOX

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley September 17, 2015 / 2:37 pm

          Thanks, Dy. Don’t ever feel you have to read my posts if the content triggers you.

          Liked by 1 person

          • dyane September 17, 2015 / 6:57 pm

            Thanks so much, Kitt! I wanted to read SageMum but I just couldn’t do it – I know she’d understand too. (((hugs))) dear one. Miss you!!!!! Can’t wait to see you in PERSON!

            Liked by 1 person

  7. Bipolar1Blog September 16, 2015 / 12:39 pm

    Such tragedy. Dear Kitt, how horrific, how did she do that, by a playground, with a knife??? Really horrific 😦 So sorry you were subjected to this. This brings up my poor, beloved, adored brother’s suicide. I wonder all the time how my mother, who adored, absolutely adored, my brother, how she survived after him. Ugh, if I could obliterate mental illness, well I obviously would. I would give my right arm to have never heard of this damnable illness called bipolar d/o.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley September 16, 2015 / 7:38 pm

      It actually was outside an amusement park. At least that’s what I recall being told. I was young when she killed herself. Perhaps I should change it back to amusement park. I’m so sorry I triggered memories of your brother’s suicide. As a mother, you can imagine how devastating the loss of a child might be.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bipolar1Blog September 16, 2015 / 8:10 pm

        Yes being a mother, I seriously don’t think I would survive either. So, so sorry for you and your family and the little boy who lost his life. Love and hugs.

        Liked by 1 person

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