Heavy Heart

Heavy hearts, like heavy clouds in the sky, are best relieved by the letting of a little water. - Christopher Morley from BrainyQuote.com
Now that I filed taxes and got my parents settled in to their memory care community, I’m able to take a breathe and feel the weight of caregiving on me, on my now heavy heart. Struggling with the weight of caregiving for parents with dementia and a son with migraines while I live with bipolar disorder, the depressive symptoms of which threaten me now.

Hitting a bit of a depressive trough. Not up for much. Maybe, though, it’s not bipolar depression, but simply the weight of caregiving, a weight all caregivers feel. Pain. Sorrow. Mourning. Exhaustion.

Feel sluggish with this huge weight bearing down on me. The weight hangs there. The tears I hold back, but feel them just beneath the surface. I let them out only for a few gentle minutes at a time, holding back the flood for the long haul.

34 thoughts on “Heavy Heart

  1. Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA April 21, 2016 / 9:19 pm

    Sending kind thoughts and prayers. I remember being in a similar situation….it’s so hard. I used to sit in my car and scream, just to let some of that pressure cooker feeling out. I guess we all have to find our own ways of self-care during the tough times. I hope you find ways to take good care of yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 21, 2016 / 9:23 pm

      Thank you. I’m so sorry I’ve failed to give appropriate and supportive comments on your blog recently. My brain is fried. Tapped out. I do wish you well. My mom has friable veins, too. Hers are due to chemo (I think).

      Liked by 1 person

      • Laura P. Schulman, MD, MA April 21, 2016 / 10:29 pm

        No apology needed, Kitt. These are difficult times for so many of us. We just have to do the best we can under the circumstances. Right now I wish I could find a 220 volt outlet and REALLY fry these damn veins!!! That would fix them😆

        Liked by 1 person

  2. heartspeak2016 April 21, 2016 / 6:49 pm

    I sleep a lot when overwhelmed by caregiving. Coupled with not really having time to grieve for my mum it gas been difficult

    My son has constant chronic migraines too. Its a struggle to keep his spirits up

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 21, 2016 / 7:40 pm

      I send you my love. We have a lot in common. I could use more sleep.


  3. Bipolar1Blog April 21, 2016 / 6:12 pm

    Dear Kitt, you’ve got both your parents, and I know they’re not in the shape you so wish they were. But you still have them and you are a deeply lpving daughter who is lovingly and responsibly taking care of them. What more could you ask for? You are dealing with reality as well and as lovingly as you can. I know you have to be strong, but you are strong! Kitt, I’m pretty sure you’ve got this. You’re feeling anxiety and that is normal. You are tired and that’s normal too. But like I keep saying over and over, you’re doing everything and you have both your parents. Enjoy being with them as much as you can and give yourself a pat on the back. Heck, have the whole neighborhood give you one, you deserve it. 💞💞💞💞

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Just Plain Ol' Vic April 21, 2016 / 5:56 pm

    Aw Kitt, I totally empathize with all that you are going through. However, over the time I have gotten to know you, I know how strong of a person you are and if anyone can get through this all with grace and dignity – it is 100% for sure you!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. dyane April 21, 2016 / 4:53 pm

    You know how much I adore you. I think of you several times a day, every day!
    (thank God for social media!)

    When I read your comment I thought (and this is my granola hippy-side coming out) that if you like professional massage, consider treating yourself to one for you’ve been holding the weight of the world on your shoulders. You’ve been dealing with enormous stressors – even one stressor is hard enough, but all of them together presents a ginormous challenge. I’m astounded by your strength.

    Please allow me to gently suggest that now is the time to take special care of yourself. If not body work, then something else that soothes you, nurtures you.

    You and I will be there for each other to literally free up some weight. When I worked as a certified personal trainer at Toadal Fitness, I used to have members hold a ten-pound weight. I asked them to focus on it and to imagine that weight on their bodies. They were all amazed at how heavy it was – it changed their perspective. You don’t have much to lose,but even 5-10 pounds is significant.

    Okay, lecture over. Glad to read that you’ve been letting some tears flow. I hope you’re able to cry some more very soon, and really let it all out.

    Love you! See you over at Lose It! 😉 XOXO

    Liked by 1 person

  6. LydiaA1614 April 21, 2016 / 4:11 pm

    Kitt, I believe you said you had your parents in a care facility. They should have a counselor who works with the family members, and specifically the primary caregiver. We had one where my Dad was staying as she was very good with my sister, my husband and I. She gave us contacts, information and even would just sit and listen to our concerns and our frustrations.

    As someone who is bipolar, suffers separately with clinical depression and chronic pain/fatigue, I was told what I was feeling was caregiver syndrome, that it is real and “treatable” by just trying to put yourself first as much as possible. Believe me, I know how hard that is.

    Sending you big hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 21, 2016 / 7:35 pm

      Wednesday morning I attended the monthly Alzheimer’s Association caregiver support group at their care facility which was led by the community’s social worker. Sunday she will meet with me and my sister. I communicate with the social worker regularly.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Bradley April 21, 2016 / 3:59 pm

    It’s good you are able to tell the difference from a bipolar depression from a living life depression. I can’t imagine anyone keeping the balls in the air like you must and not feel depressed. I wish you good luck finding some community services to help you. I’m keeping you in my thoughts

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley April 21, 2016 / 7:32 pm

      Thank you. Attending Alzheimer’s Association education and support group meetings. Weekly attend group therapy.


  8. dianasschwenk April 21, 2016 / 3:36 pm

    Kitt, please reach out and see what community resources are available to you. Hugs. ❤
    Diana xo

    Liked by 2 people

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