Journal Entries – Late April

Laptop in Bed

April 21, 2016

So here I am writing, journaling, trying to get burden off my back, out of my chest. Too heavy. Too painful. Not exceedingly so, but like a long keen. Yes, I am keening, mourning the loss of my parents. They are alive, but I mourn their loss of cognition. Nick [my husband] has brought up a couple of times that we are 25 years away from where our parents are now. Not so far. We must take care of ourselves. I’ve been neglectful. Have been eating too much sugar and not exercising enough. Nick has been good about walking the dogs. Matthew [our son] needs to increase his physical activity, as do I.

I just cocoon. Sit on the couch, licking my wounds, my psychic, emotional wounds.

I have to pee…

***

April 27, 2016

A week has gone by since I last wrote, since I last journaled. Tracey [my sister] visited Sunday. We had lunch with our parents.

Last night we [my sister & I] decided to sell the house [our parents’ house]. Huge relief. Have interested parties already.

***

April 28, 2016

My body is simply exhausted from the stress and responsibilities I’ve taken on since my mother had her stroke. I still haven’t allowed myself to feel the grief in my heart at her losses. Her sudden plummet into vascular dementia and loss of speech and language comprehension due to her stroke are absolutely devastating, more so than my father’s alcohol-related dementia which has progressed over time.

***

April 30, 2016 – from Terranea Resort

Terranea Notes

[paragraph structure added later]

So, this is not exactly a journal. Meant to bring one of mine. Look in spa gift shop and considered buying a gratitude journal. Decided not to. Not sure exactly why aside from the fact that it simply was not what I wanted. So, here I am writing with my illegible handwriting on the few pages of notepaper in my room.

Moved outside onto the lanai. Patio. Rearranged furniture. Turned down champagne in lobby. Instead accepted a bottle of water, which sits beside me ready to be opened and consumed. Cracked it open. Had a few swigs. Not able to totally succumb to relaxation. Not yet anyway. After mani-pedi, in opposite order, I ate lunch, checked into my room, which turned out to be a bungalow – near the spa. Nice.

Then made dinner reservations. Hope dinner is fun, that Sarah [Fader] & Allie [Burke] actually do make it here. After making the reservations, I took a walk along the coast. Got my feet a bit dirty, as I was wearing free spa flip flops…

And, there it is – a sigh, a deep inhalation, breathing in sea air and scent of scrub from mani-pedi. I can hear birds all around me, along with the hum of what I guess in an A/C or perhaps pool heater. Not sure what in front of me, behind the wall, behind the pool/spa building. The building where perhaps or probably I’ll be getting my massage.

Sheriff helicopter just flew by really close. Getting the running narration out of my head and onto the paper. Not especially interesting. Rather mundane. But must start somewhere. And, feel I must write. Cannot believe I didn’t bring journal. Meant to. Or at least to bring laptop. Typing on iPad, even with Anker keyboard, is frustrating. I type too fast. Crap – my handwriting is illegible!

18 thoughts on “Journal Entries – Late April

  1. Mindy Ogg May 8, 2016 / 9:39 am

    Hi Kitt, So sorry you’re having to go through this with your folks. Been there, done that. Rough stuff. Wishing you great strength.

    And a Happy Mother’s day to you. I hope you’re able to put all this stress to the side and enjoy your day. Have a great one. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 8, 2016 / 11:02 am

      Thank you, Mindy. It’s hard. When you’ve been through it, you know. Having a mental illness on top of it all makes it all the harder, but even without bipolar disorder, this is a heavy burden. 💖

      Like

      • Anonymous May 8, 2016 / 3:30 pm

        Yes, Kitt, this IS a heavy burden. It’s grief upon grief … losing a parent while they are living, giving care to a loved on who no longer thinks in a way that makes them recognizable. Let’s normalize the burden and not accuse ourselves of being inadequate because we are weakened by illness. Everyone is weak at some point … and ultimately, we find strengths others never know at the points where we are weak. Hugs to you.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. robintgalt May 6, 2016 / 11:34 am

    Your spa time sounded lovely. I can really relate to your “running narration.” I have it all of the time and constantly feel compelled to write.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. dyane May 5, 2016 / 5:58 am

    You did such a great thing by getting away last weekend and it sounds like it was definitely worth it! How cool you met up with two women who, like you, are intrepid, eloquent role models/writer in the mental health arena. I’m glad you and your sister made the momentous, bittersweet (mostly bitter, I’m sure) decision to sell their house. Keep taking care of yourself, go easy on yourself. You’re facing something that not many people truly understand – so very hard.

    Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 5, 2016 / 7:56 pm

      I know! It was AWESOME meeting Allie Burke & Sarah Fader. Plus I got to meet two of Sarah’s friends. I should go back and tag them in this post. When I have the chance, I’ll link to them and to past posts of mine.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. vanbytheriver May 5, 2016 / 3:47 am

    You should buy yourself that journal. Call it a gratitude journal, call it Fred. No matter. You will appreciate your record of these most candid thoughts. I know I would. Hugs. 💖

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 5, 2016 / 7:54 pm

      I have some journals at home. Honestly, all I need is a notebook. The problem is, I cannot read my handwriting very well.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Bradley May 4, 2016 / 10:40 pm

    I’m proud of you for taking the time to decompress. I can’t imagine what you’re going through other than I know it is exhausting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley May 5, 2016 / 7:54 pm

      That it is. Appreciate life and health. Precious. Fragile.

      Like

  6. LydiaA1614 May 4, 2016 / 6:22 pm

    I agree with Cavelle. I can sense both strength and the willingness to give in and relax. Also sending you {{{{{hugs}}}}}

    Liked by 1 person

  7. mentalbreakinprogress May 4, 2016 / 6:06 pm

    (((hugs))) sending good vibes your way. Despite your pain, your journal entries show how resilient you are 🙂 xo

    Liked by 2 people

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