Folie à Deux

I Am My Mother

Mom and Dad 60s Hazel Filter 672 x 672

Caveat: Please understand that delusional thought processes are SYMPTOMS of mental illness. I feel compassion, even as I feel pain and anger as someone negatively affected by parental delusional thoughts. I, too, have experienced delusional thoughts and bizarre impulses. I’m heir to familial mental illness. I get it.

With great trepidation I wrote the original version of this piece for publication with the Feminine Collective. Will I hurt those I love? Probably. Is it worth it to tell the truth, to let people know what it is like to live under the shadow of unacknowledged, untreated mental illness? I pray that the good outweighs the pain. I pray for understanding and compassion.

Mental illness when untreated and unacknowledged can cause great pain to extended family members. Out of respect for my relatives, this version has been changed. The actual content of my mother’s bizarre delusions is masked, remains a secret here, on my site at least, to protect those she attacked.


This is my story, my perspective, my understanding.

Folie à Deux

Taboo content
Folly of two
Folly, delusion, shared by my parents
I’ve protected them
Partly out of respect
Partly out of fear of the repercussions
Partly, for my sister who is protective of their privacy
We grew up under the shadow of a bizarre distorted thought process
Symptomatic of mental illness
Originated by our mother
Backed up by our father
In front of us, since we were young, our mother would attack our father
Making bizarre disgusting sexual claims with no basis in reality
My sister and I would look across the table
For our reality check
No. Where did she get these bizarre ideas?
There was no evidence for them
They made absolutely no sense
Our mother was crazy
Yes, I am heir to her illness
Anyway, after our mother would verbally abuse our father
In front of us, her daughters
With unfounded claims of disgusting, bizarre and unfounded sexual content
Content from her mind, her thought process, with no basis in fact
She would storm off to her bedroom
Leaving our father with us
Then he, our father, made us apologize to our mother
We would ask why we hadn’t done anything
Mom had been abusive to HIM
(Only later, through therapy, did I realize that it was also abusive to US, for we, as children and later as teens should never have been privy to such bizarre sexual delusions)
We just witnessed our mother’s attack
We did nothing wrong
He would respond that
She just didn’t feel appreciated
She needed our attention
He would throw us under the bus
Use us as his buffer
Not only NOT protect us, but use us
My father would join my mother in her belief system
That thought process, that dynamic
Put a wedge between the outside world and us
Between our extended family and us
My sister and I didn’t even go to our paternal grandparents’ funerals
For fear of how our mother would react
She would have considered it a betrayal
I’ve had to tread carefully over the years
As I’ve befriended my paternal extended family over Facebook
My aunt, my godmother, my namesake
She and I have spoken a few times over the years about this dynamic
I reassured her that neither my sister nor I believed any of it
We knew it was sick
I know my mother is sick and my father has joined her
I once saw a home-movie of my mother
She danced in circles around the rest of her family
I saw myself in her
Twirling rapidly around others as they simply stood still
Shit, I thought. I am my mother.
But with one major difference
I got help

Edited 8/11/16. Original version published at: http://femininecollective.com/folie-a-deux/

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43 thoughts on “Folie à Deux

  1. Berni August 12, 2016 / 1:00 pm

    Great to hear that you’ve acknowledged the wrong and have also decided to forgive them.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. vanbytheriver August 11, 2016 / 6:25 am

    This one brought tears. For so many personal reasons. The guilt, the shame, the denial, all foisted on innocent children of the untreated mentally ill. It took years to get over, and yet, haunts me still. Thank you for this brutally important share, Kitt. 💘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley August 11, 2016 / 10:37 am

      You are welcome. Sorry to have triggered you. Even after we spend decades working on our issues, the scars remain. In fact, trauma is passed down through generations through epigenetics (literally gets written on our gene code).

      Liked by 2 people

  3. Josh Wrenn August 10, 2016 / 1:55 pm

    THIS. Just aren’t enough words to describe how excellent this is. It should be mandatory reading for anyone struggling without help and whether or not to get it.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Looking for the Light Blog August 10, 2016 / 12:59 pm

    Hi Kit
    How are you traveling? One of your siblings pitch in? Did you break the caregiver I can’t do this now.
    Your traveling, bringing the Advocate back to the surface. I am so happy to see. You mentioned NAMI, I for sure will not attend, something caught my eye about the conference. It’s gone now, if
    i think about you know i’ll write back.
    While you’ve been gone, I’ve lived through total withdraw (unintentional) on Xanax on the three anchor drug for my mental health. I did a half ass post while on the road back. Today I’m posting “What it’s like to get meds back under control”. I’m almost there with mental health drugs, then have to start Lyme drugs. I wish withdraw on no one, meeting the beast within is painful and brought on Delusions for me.
    I did meet God and come to terms with I 100% believe in him. My natural go to in past was Jesus. Long story, bottom line I’m heated, can barely walk but have a new perspective and on the mend.
    Have a great day. Catch me up when you can.
    🙂
    M

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 10, 2016 / 1:20 pm

      Wish you the best as you mend. Unintentional drug withdrawal is brutal. Hate it when I forget to take a dose or two. Can hit me hard.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Samina Raza August 10, 2016 / 12:57 pm

    Amazingly brave Kitt! And what a weight off your shoulders it must be to finally acknowledge the insanity in the light of day! I have goosebumps from reading this. How brave and sane you are in spite of your having to deal with insanity at such an early age. Love and millions of hugs.

    Liked by 4 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 10, 2016 / 1:18 pm

      Thank you so much, Samina. It is difficult to develop compassion. Luckily, my parents also loved us. We grew up with an imperfect family. What my parents did right helped us.

      Like

  6. Bradley August 10, 2016 / 12:52 pm

    Powerful, raw, heart-breaking. I commend you, Kitt, for being so open and honest.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. dyane August 10, 2016 / 12:39 pm

    You were incredibly brave to submit this powerful, personal piece for publication. How moving that your paternal relative thanked you for sharing it on FB, not to mention what a validation of risk taking in telling the truth. Congratulations on Feminine Collective publishing this piece!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Kitt O'Malley August 10, 2016 / 1:04 pm

      Thank you, Dy! Noticed you are off-line on Facebook. Focusing on your book and eliminating distractions?

      Liked by 1 person

      • dyane August 10, 2016 / 1:45 pm

        A resounding yes! I have been off FB and Twitter for weeks now. We’re on west Tahoe now and Craig is taking the girls out for day trips while I edit the last few chapters. With Lucy’s assistance, of course! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley August 10, 2016 / 3:18 pm

          Congratulations, Dy. I noticed you are still reading and commenting on many blogs. Personally, I find doing so, which I’m doing right now, takes a LOT of time and energy and keeps me from writing and reading books which are piling up around me.

          Liked by 1 person

          • dyane August 10, 2016 / 4:06 pm

            Blogs are such a joy; they are my reward for my hard work! 😉 Although it might seem like I comment & read many blogs (maybe because you & I follow a fair amount of the same ones), I’ve cut waaaay down. Remember how it used to be, i.e. I followed approx. trillion blogs? (p.s. Absolutely no pressure, but I wouldn’t say no to reading anything you write about BlogHer, even if it’s one paragraph. Or two. Or five! ) Xo

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Erica Herd August 10, 2016 / 12:22 pm

    Honest and brave. Thank you for writing and sharing this piece, Kitt.

    Liked by 1 person

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