Wave the White Flag

white-flag

Need to write out the pain and exhaustion in my heart
Pain and grieving my parents’ dementias
Pain and exhaustion caring for my son
Must back off both
Must take care of myself
Must
Must
Must
Must take care of myself
Ready to throw in the towel
To admit defeat
To wave a white flag
To say I give up
I give up
I cannot control the chaos that is my life
I cannot heal others
They must help themselves
They must accept or seek help from others
Not just me
I need a break
I am exhausted
I cannot take it anymore
I am not strong
I am broken
I am ready to break
The burden is too great
The weight on my back too heavy
Please take it off me
Please stop
Please give me a break
Please
Please
Please
Stop
Stop
Stop
Please stand up on your own
Please stop asking me to fix you
Please accept that you, too, are broken
Please stop looking to me for help
Please
Please
Please
I cannot do this anymore
I cannot
I cannot
I cannot
It’s too much for me
Too much
Too much
Too much
I’m breaking
Under the burden
Fuck this shit


P.S. When I free-wrote this I vented. Yes, I’m exhausted, but hanging in there. Just fed up. This is theatrical – I know – but, I wrote how I felt at the time.

P.P.S. My husband made me tea with honey and brought it to me. On his days off, he brings me coffee and Cheerios with banana. I love eating breakfast in bed. Not a morning person. Last night he bought me a box of Entenmann’s chocolate frosted donuts, which I’ve polished off (one of my favorite indulgences). My 16-year old son popped in and told me he loved me and gave me a hug. I’m appreciated.

40 thoughts on “Wave the White Flag

  1. Paladin October 8, 2016 / 8:54 am

    Geronimo! (The parachute opened). You are free writing again and it seems like your brain was in overdrive. It does not seem like self exorcism and cannot detect any procrastination. No indication associated with the upcoming General Election throes either. The RRR (Rest, Relax, & Recover) plan seems appropriate, Kitt.

    God Bless + Namaste..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. kbailey374 October 7, 2016 / 8:44 pm

    Yes. Vent and be heard Bec while we’re out there doing for others we are most likely not being heard. And that’s the most exhausting part. I know that feeling of enough and, God forbid, asking for help.. It’s too bad we wait so long. Glad you got some support at home

    Liked by 1 person

  3. dyane October 7, 2016 / 6:10 pm

    Please know that I love you and think of you often. I was moved by your wonderful husband and son’s thoughtful, loving gestures. Thank you for sharing that; it made me happy to think of you soaking in your son’s hug, and enjoying your husband’s attention and love!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Marie Abanga October 7, 2016 / 5:09 pm

    So good those gestures from our loved one – I relate with some it – rest all you can Kit you do try your best really and need to take care of you too above all I ‘selfishly think’ 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bradley October 7, 2016 / 1:45 pm

    You surrendered and I couldn’t be happier for you. I’ve been concerned. I know it’s not all going to go away, but hope you can view it from a different perspective.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. vanbytheriver October 7, 2016 / 1:39 pm

    That must have felt good ! We all need to vent…more often, more aggressively. Glad your family is treating you. ☺

    Liked by 2 people

  7. fotojennic October 7, 2016 / 1:20 pm

    Got the first part of this in my email and clicked over in a hurry. Dang I thought you were suicidal for a minute!!! I’m glad you are okay and venting your frustrations instead of burying them. Hang in there Kit!! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

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