Writing to Discipline My Thoughts

Disciplining My Thoughts By Writing

This morning I attended an OC Writers’ write-in. I haven’t attended a writers’ group in a long time. Been isolating myself and focusing on my son rather than my writing, rather than myself. Today, I left him home in bed, then left the meeting early to get him to class on time. When I got back home, he was dry-heaving in bed. Crap.

Hate spending my mornings trying to wake him up to do his homework and go to school. He will be seventeen next month. Time to wake up and do homework on his own. Unfortunately, his private school is not within walking distance, nor would it be a safe bike ride, and my kid has no interest in getting his drivers’ license yet. So, I’m still driving him to and from school.

The first week of June, during my son’s summer break when I didn’t have to act as alarm clock and chauffeur, I started cleaning my house with help of my next-door neighbor. She did most of the cleaning and organizing. I chatted and did a wee bit of organizing. We tackled the kitchen, spending two hours on Monday and two hours on Friday.

The second week of June was my son’s first week of summer school, so I took the week off cleaning and organizing. He has a full schedule this summer. He attended most of his classes last week, perhaps because I offered him $10/class/day. He’s motivated by money. It costs more to reschedule his classes than it does to pay him to attend.

Hypomania Raises Its Head (Again)

Last Tuesday in therapy, I said I no longer felt hypomanic. At the time, I seemed relaxed, at ease. By Wednesday my mind was racing. At night, when it was time to fall asleep, to slow down my mind – instead of thinking in my usual monologue, as an orator narrating my life – I heard a cacophony of voices.

I wondered if, when those voices crowded my mind, I should have written them down to see if I was thinking in dialogue. Were the voices characters wanting to be heard, auditory hallucinations, or thoughts racing so fast, I could not make heads or tails of them? Most likely speeding thoughts.

When I couldn’t fall asleep, instead of writing, I medicated myself to sleep. I force sleep when it won’t come on its own.

As I wrote last week during the day, while my son attended school, I could not hear the noise. Instead, I focused on my voice and that’s what I thought. Writing disciplined my thoughts.

12 thoughts on “Writing to Discipline My Thoughts

  1. jjjcampagna July 5, 2017 / 9:18 am

    I like the fact you write. When I close my eyes and let my physical self morph into a different place of conscience, I’m free. I know it’s temporary yet it is just what I need to keep me functional. Your story inspires me to look at the choices I make and how I handle the results of those decisions. I do understand that humans are reward driven species. Small things do make a difference in peoples’ lives. We are allowed to make mistakes. When you do things like clean the house, drive your son to school, and find time to write this blog, I view things in a light I don’t often get to see and that is through someone else’s eyes. And as I morph back into my physical self, I’m reminded that Bipolar Disorder is something I live with but not who I am. Thanks for continuing to inspire me and many others with your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley July 5, 2017 / 7:43 pm

      Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I enjoy dissociating, leaving my body and mind, floating.

      Like

  2. Paladin June 21, 2017 / 5:15 pm

    👍 Agree with Dyane’s comment. Good to see you providing a post and engaging in a writing class. Sounds therapeutic and calming. Hope your son’s health will improve as well.. You got lots of spunk. It is good. God Bless + Namaste !!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley June 22, 2017 / 12:05 pm

      Thanks. Don’t feel spunky. Very depressing to have my kid in bed round the clock day after day.

      Like

  3. dyane June 19, 2017 / 8:07 pm

    You were very wise to nip that hypomania in the bud with the medication.
    I’m so sorry your son was sick that day with the dry heaves. (ugh!) Good for you for figuring out a system that works, i.e. $ so he attends class.

    I’m proud of you for writing during the day all last night – it’s not easy and you did it.
    Plus, you organized and cleaned the house, which (to me) is a hugely positive & big deal.
    Great job on both counts!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cassandra Stout June 19, 2017 / 6:13 pm

    Oh, Kitt, I’m so sorry you were hypomanic, but I’m glad that writing soothed you! Best of luck with your son.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mark Lanesbury June 19, 2017 / 2:41 pm

    Just a thought Kitt, when listening to music it stops the mind from ‘chattering’ because we can’t do both at once. I use music all the time as it allows me actually focus on my writing.
    Might be worth a try, and at the least it is a very soothing and calm way to spend some time. A rest period if you will.
    Good luck with the writing 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Stuart W. Bedford June 19, 2017 / 2:18 pm

    Writing is so therapeutic. It’s helped me personally through so much. It warms my heart to see it does the same for you 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

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