I Will Not Cry Now

pixelated family tree

To avoid feeling overwhelmed and hold back the tears due to loss, stress and worry, I’ve started delving into my ancestry online.

My therapist reframed what I was doing as focusing, rather than avoidance. She thought it was healthy.

Now that my father has passed away and my mother’s health has faltered, I’m really, really sad. I miss them both.

My father is gone. My mother is still with us, but I miss speaking with her, playing word games with her, walking with her, taking her out for lunch.

The pain at times overwhelms me. I don’t want to fall into bipolar depression, hypomania, or mood cycling.

To stave off the pain, I click through the family tree, digging further and further back.

Hate when hit dead ends, especially when it comes to my mother’s beloved Irish grandmother with whom she lived when she attended college.

19 thoughts on “I Will Not Cry Now

  1. Christine April 5, 2019 / 1:45 am

    I know what you are going through right now as my fiancé’s mother passed away on Monday 1st April and we have her funeral on 18th April. My fiancé is finding it hard to cope as he has bipolar like you sending you massive hugs and hope you can find family heritage a comfort xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 6, 2019 / 12:49 pm

      Thank you. That I’m well medicated and have been in therapy for decades helps.

      Like

  2. Joy Johnston April 4, 2019 / 3:57 pm

    Glad you have found this helpful. I find that exploring my ancestry is rewarding and insightful. I too find dead ends on my Dad’s side of the family, who were from Belfast, N. Ireland.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 4, 2019 / 5:33 pm

      My dead-ends are Irish ancestors, too. Germans better at record-keeping.

      Like

  3. Karen April 4, 2019 / 1:56 pm

    Well done on finding something to help you cope with the grief and stress x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Looking for the Light April 4, 2019 / 12:23 pm

    It’s very theraputure and frustration, I love the distraction and satisfaction when I went back to 1600’s. Have fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Faith April 4, 2019 / 11:50 am

    I’ve done the same Kitt. I started when both my parents were alive but they didn’t seem interested. Then losing them both so quickly made me get back to it, I now I find I have so many questions I want to ask them , so sad I no longer can. I have hit a brick wall on my dads side, frustrating but I believe it helps with the healing. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 4, 2019 / 5:30 pm

      Thank you, Faith. I’ve hit a wall, too, on my mother’s maternal grandmother. She loved her dearly and lived with her while attending college. Wish I knew more about her family in Ireland.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. UP April 4, 2019 / 11:17 am

    My dad did most of our family tree, at least as far back as we could get, before he passed away in 2010. I have added a few names. This might be a good thing for me to get back into. I don’t grieve for him like I once did, but I am reminded of him daily by what I see and hear and read around me. It is very comforting. I think how he would laugh at a joke I hear, or enjoy reading one of my blog posts and comment on them, or how he’d tell us all how Law and Order was going to end before it did! I miss it all.

    I use one of his Bibles in my devotions. It is so interesting to see what he has marked and the notes he has written.

    He’s always in my mind as is mother. This is a great post. I’m glad it popped UP on my FB page!

    Thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 4, 2019 / 5:29 pm

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful post! Coming up on the anniversary of my father’s death. My sister & I were finding great information about his extracurricular activities in college. Amazing how much information is available online.

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Cassandra Stout April 4, 2019 / 11:03 am

    My mom is obsessed with Ancestry. Digging through family trees is a good hobby to have, and I hope it helps you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley April 4, 2019 / 5:27 pm

      It is helping, especially as my father died last April. Finding more and more about him online. So proud.

      Liked by 1 person

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