Yes, I’ve Been Violent

Who, me, violent? Why, yes, on a few occasions.

My Mental Illness and Violence

Hi, I’m Kitt.

I’m bipolar, and I’ve been violent.

Mildly so, for the most part.

Flipped over a table once.

Been known to slap in response to being called a f*cking b*tch. Don’t do that anymore, but fair warning: don’t call me a f*cking b*tch. My slap is powerful, as I played tennis in my younger years.

Never killed anyone, but when in my mid-20s, I fantasized doing so when dealing with childhood issues in therapy (alcoholism & emotional abuse).

Pretty disturbing intrusive thoughts and impulses post-partum, too. But I didn’t act on those either.

Mostly I try to help people. I try to behave. I apologize when I screw up. I try to do better.

14 thoughts on “Yes, I’ve Been Violent

  1. kbailey374 June 10, 2019 / 2:10 pm

    When Tom was little I hit his arm. When it happened (when I did it!) I was shocked and scared – knew then I was not just overwhelmed, I was dangerous! I thank God there were plenty of people willing to help with child care. I never would have made it without them! I never told anyone 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • kbailey374 June 10, 2019 / 2:14 pm

      Oh and one time I beat up a cookie sheet by hittimg the counter with it, over and over. I’d say it was my ex-husband who was scared that time!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Kitt O'Malley June 13, 2019 / 4:27 pm

        Damn cookie sheet. It had it coming. Sometimes we need something to take our rage out on. Maybe a punching bag or pillow.

        Like

    • Kitt O'Malley June 13, 2019 / 4:25 pm

      I know how shameful it feels to lose control and hit your child. I wanted my son to feel open to talk to his health care providers, so I took him to the doctor when I slapped him and had him describe what had happened.

      First the doctor checked his ear, for my son moved his head and I got his ear rather than his cheek. Then our doctor said he would’ve gotten much worse in his household for calling me a fcking btch.

      My points I made then were:
      1) I made a mistake. I slapped him out of anger.
      2) I apologized and took responsibility by taking him to the doctor.
      3) We were honest and open about what happened.
      4) The doctor didn’t report me for child abuse.

      Like

  2. Looking for the Light June 9, 2019 / 6:45 am

    We all screw up Kitt, we have to come out the other side with more knowledge. I have to accept it could happen with me but I have to take accountability and move forward. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley June 10, 2019 / 8:50 am

      Exactly. Own it. Apologize. Do better. Why it’s so important to get proper treatment. I raged even properly medicated. But improved over time.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Looking for the Light June 10, 2019 / 11:43 am

        I have too, it’s quite scary. I’m treatment resistent Bipolar 1 and take several uppers to keep me level. If my Dexedrine starts making me rage or become very agressive, like wanting to run people off the road, I have to cut back by one and slowly work back up after the rage is gone.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Kitt O'Malley June 13, 2019 / 4:16 pm

          Sounds like a nightmare. Good thing you are aware of it and the effects of the stimulants. I like to isolate until the rage passes.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. cindy knoke June 8, 2019 / 9:45 pm

    You are inspirational because you are honest about yourself. May the Force be with you, always.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Cassandra Stout June 8, 2019 / 7:28 pm

    I’ve very recently been struggling with being too rough (any roughness is too rough!) with my two-year-old daughter, due to a great number of stressors and my own impulse control, which I need more practice at. Long story short, I’ve found a work around which involves me getting more time to myself, dropping my expectations for naps, and deep breathing exercises. So far, it’s working. I’ve never seriously hurt her, but I’ve done a lot of fantasizing about it, which scares the crap out of me. So I feel you. I totally feel you. And I hope that this confession here wasn’t too much information!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley June 8, 2019 / 11:53 pm

      When I switched from Zoloft to Wellbutrin when my son was two, I wanted to bite his head off. Went back on Zoloft, and later Lexapro + Depakote (with trials of many other medication cocktails). Difficult age to parent, for anyone.

      Like

  5. bpnurse June 8, 2019 / 6:20 pm

    I hear you, Kitt. I’ve been violent too. I punched a refrigerator once, kicked a hole in an apartment wall, and threatened people with garden tools. I’ve also been known to break stuff and slam a plate of food against a wall. Thank God I’ve never hurt anyone, and that I have medication which takes away any violent urges. I don’t even flip people off in the car anymore, that’s how much of a pacifist I’ve become.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kitt O'Malley June 8, 2019 / 11:50 pm

      Well done. Wonder if aging helps. Maybe menopause helps, too. Good bye hormonal mood swings.

      Liked by 1 person

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