I’m ashamed. Ashamed of the dust. Ashamed of the clutter. Ashamed that I do not, that somehow I cannot, bring myself to keep my house clean.
This afternoon, as I sat working at our dining room table, my husband just touched the dusty lamp above me, and I started coughing, choking, asthmatic that I am.
My son suffers with eczema, with asthma, as do I. Still I leave the dust undisturbed, afraid of another asthma attack.
Too ashamed to ask for help. Too ashamed to hire help. Too ashamed to let anyone in. Too overwhelmed to attack the job myself.
Now my husband Nick chokes and coughs himself, as he cleans the lamp of its dust. Thank you, Nick, for all that you do.
Today I went to a writers’ meetup, and now I am just wiped out. Social stimulation exhausts me. I had a great time, but I’m just not up for it. Just not up for two hours of conversation. Damn fucking brain disorder. I HATE bipolar disorder. My brain is FRIED.
We’ve been in the process of renovating our house over the last three years. My husband and I made the HUGE mistake of buying materials for several major projects up front, making decisions on the spot that should have been deferred and made one project at a time. We ended up with a house and garage filled with materials — cabinetry, paint, flooring, tile. We still have not finished painting the interior walls. Our framed artwork and photos lean up against walls or lay in piles on tabletops or in boxes. We have painted most of the downstairs when the interior painting was put on hold so that my husband could install hardwood floors. Then we renovated our bathrooms. Our dry-rotted exterior siding has been replaced. Last Sunday we primed the exterior paint. We also must eventually re-landscape the backyard. Our dogs enjoy the raised open beds too much. Too much fun to dig, bury, and redig. We’ve decided to eventually cede the backyard to our dogs.
Sound overwhelming and chaotic? It is. You should have seen our house when the living room was for months FULL of boxes of oak flooring. Our dining room table sharing space with bathroom cabinetry. Then, my husband decided to buy a HUGE weight set through Craigslist. Forgive me, I’m venting. The weight set is 8 ft long by 7 ft high by 7 ft wide. It is absolutely ridiculous. My husband and son are NOT serious body builders. My husband was a runner. My son is into downhill mountain bike riding. They are both lean and long-legged. My son insists on working on his bikes in the house. So, I’m embarrassed to have anyone over. EVER. I don’t see the point in cleaning because I feel so overwhelmed and buried by the chaos.
I’ve debated how to best promote my blog using other social media and have found myself overwhelmed and unsure of whether I am using my resources best. Please also read my Liking Photos post on this matter and give me your personal experiences and advice. Thank you.