Thoughts Intrude

Thoughts intrude
Throw plate in sink
Let it shatter loudly
I see myself doing it
The image, the impulse is there
There – in my mind
No! I respond
Turn left NOW in front of oncoming traffic
No! No! No! Don’t do it
Wait for the green arrow
Yell at, argue with, my son, my husband
Pick a fight with them
No! Do not do it

Must fight the thoughts
Must fight the impulses
They make no sense
I’m irritable
In a mixed state
Somewhat hypomanic
Not suicidal
There is no intent behind them
Just intrusive thoughts
Unwelcome images and impulses
Without reason
Without cause

Except this pain
These insistent hormones
Nasty cramps
Super irritable
Why?
It’s been months
I think
Since last I bled
I’m 51, 52 this August
Give it up already
Stop menstruating
It’s not going to happen
No more babies
From this empty fibrous womb

So, stop it
Leave me alone
Leave my body alone
Stop with the pain
Stop behaving
Like a fertile woman
I AM OLD
LEAVE ME BE
Let me become
The crone, the hag
I’ve earned it

Leave me be
Let me rest
Enough