Verbal Non-Verbal

verbal

Sometimes, I’m verbal
The words rush
They press
They insist on getting out of my head
They keep me awake at night
Unless I shut them up
Turn them off with meds

Sometimes, though,
I’m simply not
Sometimes, I’m non-verbal
The words are not there
I do jigsaw puzzles
Watch TV
Play with numbers
Rather than words

When the words fly
They are raucous
Noisily filling my mind
Needing to get out
I need relief
So, I write

Then, I must get
The racing commentary
Out of my mind
Onto the screen or paper
In black and white
Where later I reshape them
Edit them into something coherent

Perhaps
Or, perhaps,
Sometimes, I leave them
In a jumbled mess
All over the page

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Wave the White Flag

white-flag

Need to write out the pain and exhaustion in my heart
Pain and grieving my parents’ dementias
Pain and exhaustion caring for my son
Must back off both
Must take care of myself
Must
Must
Must
Must take care of myself
Ready to throw in the towel
To admit defeat
To wave a white flag
To say I give up
I give up
I cannot control the chaos that is my life
I cannot heal others
They must help themselves
They must accept or seek help from others
Not just me
I need a break
I am exhausted
I cannot take it anymore
I am not strong
I am broken
I am ready to break
The burden is too great
The weight on my back too heavy
Please take it off me
Please stop
Please give me a break
Please
Please
Please
Stop
Stop
Stop
Please stand up on your own
Please stop asking me to fix you
Please accept that you, too, are broken
Please stop looking to me for help
Please
Please
Please
I cannot do this anymore
I cannot
I cannot
I cannot
It’s too much for me
Too much
Too much
Too much
I’m breaking
Under the burden
Fuck this shit


P.S. When I free-wrote this I vented. Yes, I’m exhausted, but hanging in there. Just fed up. This is theatrical – I know – but, I wrote how I felt at the time.

P.P.S. My husband made me tea with honey and brought it to me. On his days off, he brings me coffee and Cheerios with banana. I love eating breakfast in bed. Not a morning person. Last night he bought me a box of Entenmann’s chocolate frosted donuts, which I’ve polished off (one of my favorite indulgences). My 16-year old son popped in and told me he loved me and gave me a hug. I’m appreciated.

Cocooning

cocoon-focus

Cocooning

Recovering from social demands
From social interaction
From caring for others
My son
My husband
My parents
From caring about too many
From caring too much

You may not hear from me
You may not read much from me
I’m depleted
I need to refill
Not to care so much about others
But to care more about myself
To care more for myself
For now, I’m quiet…