Sure, having a mental illness does not mean that you will be violent. Still, some of us with mental illness, myself included, do have or have had violent thoughts and impulses. For the most part, I have not acted on mine, at least not the worst of them. I have raised my voice, flipped the dinner table over, and thrown my iPad. Some people like me need treatment to control violent thoughts and impulses.
Prompted by an invite to Tha.Speakeasy Facebook event on April 17th & 18th, I read my poem, Bad Mom, which I’m posting here.
At times, abusive mom
At times, out of control mom
At times, rageful mom
She’s even hit her kid
She’s even slapped her kid
No excuse to hit a child
No excuse to slap a child
I am ambivalent about posting these dog photos. Although I love my dogs, I am still suffering from PTSD from an incident in which I could not control them, and they viciously attacked a greyhound who had just been attacked by another standard poodle the previous week. I took full responsibility for the attack and paid the poor dog’s veterinary bill. Still, I fear walking Thumper (the big guy). He’s too big and I cannot control him.
Interesting metaphor just occurred to me, piggybacking an interpretation offered by my psychologist Friday when I described my fear of violent and agitated men (specifically, agitated and violent seriously mentally ill men). She asked if I may fear that part of me that rages, that goes to that red zone where my rational mind cannot control my behavior. Yes. Yes, I do fear that part of me, and regret the damage done to those I love when I rage.