I Don’t Allow My Façade to Slip

I don’t allow my façade to slip

I don’t allow myself to cry

I fear what I hide behind

My façade of functionality

I hide my heart

I hide my pain

I wear armor

To protect myself

I fear what will happen

If I allow myself to cry

What will happen

If I allow myself to feel pain

I fear the unending abyss

The pain that overwhelms

The pain I’ve felt before

The pain that was so great

That the only way out

I believed

Was to end it

To end my life

I cannot feel that pain

I cannot afford to be

Hopeless

Can I feel pain

Without feeling hopeless

Can I feel pain

As someone “normal” would

Can I feel pain

Without a descent

Into the depths of

Despair

Into a

Living Hell

Surely I can

Yet, all these decades later

I remain in hiding

Cold

Stoic

Unfeeling

Defended