April 21, 2016
So here I am writing, journaling, trying to get burden off my back, out of my chest. Too heavy. Too painful. Not exceedingly so, but like a long keen. Yes, I am keening, mourning the loss of my parents. They are alive, but I mourn their loss of cognition. Nick [my husband] has brought up a couple of times that we are 25 years away from where our parents are now. Not so far. We must take care of ourselves. I’ve been neglectful. Have been eating too much sugar and not exercising enough. Nick has been good about walking the dogs. Matthew [our son] needs to increase his physical activity, as do I.
I just cocoon. Sit on the couch, licking my wounds, my psychic, emotional wounds.
I have to pee…
***
April 27, 2016
A week has gone by since I last wrote, since I last journaled. Tracey [my sister] visited Sunday. We had lunch with our parents.
Last night we [my sister & I] decided to sell the house [our parents’ house]. Huge relief. Have interested parties already.
***
April 28, 2016
My body is simply exhausted from the stress and responsibilities I’ve taken on since my mother had her stroke. I still haven’t allowed myself to feel the grief in my heart at her losses. Her sudden plummet into vascular dementia and loss of speech and language comprehension due to her stroke are absolutely devastating, more so than my father’s alcohol-related dementia which has progressed over time.
***
April 30, 2016 – from Terranea Resort
[paragraph structure added later]
So, this is not exactly a journal. Meant to bring one of mine. Look in spa gift shop and considered buying a gratitude journal. Decided not to. Not sure exactly why aside from the fact that it simply was not what I wanted. So, here I am writing with my illegible handwriting on the few pages of notepaper in my room.
Moved outside onto the lanai. Patio. Rearranged furniture. Turned down champagne in lobby. Instead accepted a bottle of water, which sits beside me ready to be opened and consumed. Cracked it open. Had a few swigs. Not able to totally succumb to relaxation. Not yet anyway. After mani-pedi, in opposite order, I ate lunch, checked into my room, which turned out to be a bungalow – near the spa. Nice.
Then made dinner reservations. Hope dinner is fun, that Sarah [Fader] & Allie [Burke] actually do make it here. After making the reservations, I took a walk along the coast. Got my feet a bit dirty, as I was wearing free spa flip flops…
And, there it is – a sigh, a deep inhalation, breathing in sea air and scent of scrub from mani-pedi. I can hear birds all around me, along with the hum of what I guess in an A/C or perhaps pool heater. Not sure what in front of me, behind the wall, behind the pool/spa building. The building where perhaps or probably I’ll be getting my massage.
Sheriff helicopter just flew by really close. Getting the running narration out of my head and onto the paper. Not especially interesting. Rather mundane. But must start somewhere. And, feel I must write. Cannot believe I didn’t bring journal. Meant to. Or at least to bring laptop. Typing on iPad, even with Anker keyboard, is frustrating. I type too fast. Crap – my handwriting is illegible!
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