New Year’s Resolutions

Love more, Worry less, Exercise more, Eat better, Laugh more, Stay stable, Finish my memoir

Thank you, BipolarOnFire.com, for inspiring me to borrow and amend her resolutions for myself.

  • Love more
  • Worry less
  • Exercise more
  • Eat better
  • Laugh more
  • Stay stable
  • Finish my memoir

Bipolar on Fire‘s list included:

  • Find a job [she] can enjoy
  • Find a place [she] can call home that is peaceful and safe and affordable.

Thank You, My Love, for All You Do

Wedding Kiss Close-Up
Our wedding day kiss at Cal-Neva, North Lake Tahoe.

Thank God my husband, a civil engineer, provides for us well. He makes life much less stressful for me. Honestly, he shoulders that stress. He does a lot around the house — too much, for which I feel guilty that I’m not doing my fair share.

Over a decade ago, I kept our house immaculate, like something out of Architectural Digest. I was an overachiever at home and at work, but didn’t take care of myself and was not available to adequately care for our son. Since overworking led to voluntary psychiatric hospitalization, I’ve made caring for myself and our son a priority, and put housework on the backburner.

I’m truly blessed to have my husband in my life. He’s my caregiver, and I’m grateful for all he does. Thank you.

Fingers Moving, Fingers Typing

image

Fingers need to move
nervous energy
prompts them to keep busy

Just as my thoughts
my mind
will not be silent

My fingers will not be still
so I play Solitaire
or now type

I imagine myself crocheting
as I did long ago
as a young girl

Used to crochet
needlepoint
embroider
and sew

Used to paint, too
Who knows
Maybe I will do so again

Do any or all of the above
Then again
Maybe not

I don’t put too much stock
in what I do
or don’t do

Ambivalent about goals
No longer as goal oriented
as I was long ago

Well, I do have some goals
I suppose
but they are flexible

Blogging 201: My Three Goals

Blogging 201 Goals

Our first assignment in Blogging 201 is to write three concrete goals. Here are mine:

  1. Write at least once a week
  2. Gain new readers each week
  3. Maintain mutually supportive online relationships with my readers

Q: Why do you blog?
A: Get thoughts out of my head and onto the page. Educate. Advocate. Fight ignorance, stereotypes, and stigma. Support and be supported. Be in community with other mental health bloggers, advocates, consumers, family members, professionals, and policy makers.

Q: If your blog exceeded your wildest dreams, what would that look like?
A: I have exceeded my expectations, for I had no expectations. Without doubt, I want to write at least once a week. I would like to reach a larger audience and to make a bigger difference, but I am happy with the community I now have. I have had to cut back on my reading of many other wonderful blogs, for my time and energy are limited. That I regret. I can only give so much, can only do so much. If I could speak publicly and still maintain my mental health, I would like to do so.

As a Child

As a child I wanted to be a doctor
To cure people of disease
As a teen I wanted to be a neurosurgeon
To fix brains with a scalpel

As a young woman
I became a psychotherapist
To fix troubled youth with broken lives
With the exchange of spoken words

I kept falling apart
My brain was broken
My thoughts self-loathing or racing
My emotions unbearably intense

Over and over
I sought and received help
First with psychotherapy
Later with medicine

Today I remain a broken woman
Still healing, still learning
Today I use words, written words, spoken words
To touch, heal, and teach others

Or so I hope

Found Notes

Recently found some notes I jotted down while attending a workshop at The Gathering on Mental Health and the Church at Saddleback Church. Here they are:

  • Enjoy speaking to individuals and small groups.
  • Anxious when hear mental health professionals discussing mental health crisis intervention. PTSD for me. Difficult past experience. Do not want to go back there.
  • Anxious interacting with and seeing those more severely disturbed than I, those functioning less well with their illness. I, too, feel other. Other than the most disturbed.
  • Boundary issues: church groups, organizations of all types, employment workplaces, all threaten me with the risk of loss of self to the group.
  • Crisis intervention, hospitalization, peer-to-peer and family-to-family NAMI groups provoke fear in me. Once again, goes back to boundary issues. How do I protect myself, maintain some emotional distance? How do and whether I can say no?
  • Fiction writing? Fictionalizing personal experience? Once upon a time, in my late twenties, I had a boyfriend who was also a poet. He recommended that instead of journal writing in first person, I should write in third person, fictionalize it, distance myself from it, be less self-absorbed and more creative.
  • Maybe now I participate in writers groups and group therapy and later Toastmasters. That’s all I want or can take on right now.
  • Do not, should not join/work for/volunteer for ANY organization, be it corporate or congregational.

OMG, just today on April 24th, I realized (or realized again, for this should not be news to me) that my fear of being engulfed by a group stems in part from family of origin dynamics. How many years of therapy have I had, anyway? Since age 18! I’m 50 now. AND, I once was a psychotherapist. Come on, Kitt. Get with it. Wake up. Grow up.