Grieving

Grieving -- KittOMalley.com
Geometry art created with iOrnament app.

Grieving, not depressed. No bipolar depression. No depressive thought process. Just grief. Just a deep overwhelming feeling of loss. 

I miss my father. Miss him deeply and dearly.

Going to individual therapy and taking my medications for bipolar disorder, but now may be time for additional support, time for a grief support group, preferrably one led by an excellent licensed mental health professional.

As a licensed clinician, I have a bias. I need a group leader with advanced clinical knowledge of serious mental illness like bipolar disorder, as well as grief. As someone with bipolar disorder and a history of depression, I’m at risk of complicated grief.

Not only did my father recently die, my mother is a stroke survivor living with vascular dementia. She lives in memory care, but wants me to visit more often than I can afford to emotionally.

Squeezed between generations, I cheer my newly adult son as he takes steps to overcome social anxiety and manage his migraines. Until he gets his driver’s license, I chauffeur him to and from specialists appointments.

Rather than spend all my time and energy caring for the needs of others, I must care for myself. My personal boundaries are poor. Groups overwhelm me. I take care of others, not myself. Find myself overstimulated and become mildly hypomanic. Perform, rather than sit, listen and accept help from others.

Always a been performer, love being onstage, enjoy public speaking. Now’s not the time to be the center of attention, to be right, to be smart, to solve problems, to be the hero.

My brain isn’t functioning at its best. Grief-related brain fog. Can’t concentrate. Can’t remember. Simply overwhelmed emotionally. Often, I can’t even come up with a simple word to answer a question my husband asks. Cannot make a yes or no decision.

Today I deleted emails of great content I would usually share as a mental health advocate. I leave that to others for now.

Now, I grieve. Now I cocoon. Now I draw mandalas and patterns using iOrnament. Now I do jigsaw puzzles on my iPad. Now I watch TV.

Now, I cry softly, sometimes gently sob, for the father I love and miss.

Recovering

Time to relax, take a deep breath, calm mind & body. KittOMalley.com

Unraveling

  
After a week of crisis intervention, starting with calling 911 upon realizing my mom had had a stroke last Saturday, I’m coming undone. Time for a break. 

Luckily, my sister and I got reserves (husbands and sons) helping us out with our parents today. I plan to go home and take Sunday as a day of rest. Wish me well. Wish us well. Keep up the prayers. Thank you. 

Sometimes Taking a Bath is an Achievement

Bath

Sometimes simply taking a bath is a major achievement. Not quite sure when I last bathed or showered – Friday, perhaps? I really can’t recall.

Yesterday I actually exercised. Yes, that’s right, I exercised. Worked out with weights, used a treadmill for a couple of minutes (very little), and used an elliptical for several minutes. Not a huge workout – not enough to work up a sweat. But today I can feel it in my glutes and pecs. (Don’t I sound like a gym rat? I just call them my ass and chest.)

Anyway, this morning, after taking my son to the school, handling email and updating social media, I took a bath. Then I managed to go grocery shopping. In the afternoon, I took my son to his allergist for an immunological work-up. We have a lab requisition for a long list of tests. Once the lab results are complete, we return to the allergist to see the results and take the next step. Got to get my boy healthier so he doesn’t miss as much school next year.

By the way… I’m absolutely exhausted. Just spent.